Joel's Value to Me....

Joel and I have had many breaks even though it is obvious to me that I love him and I feel  positive he does love me. I came to a conclusion with this last one that ended after 3 days of being apart.

During the interim, I figured out our problems seem to have a lot to do with both being older. We are not training each other in a relationship. When I was first married to my kindly Ex I think we did d just that. we were both so young and happy to be with one another there was a lot we were willing to let go of to just be alone together.

Before him I had never figured out where the towels were going to go. We figured that out together. The same for dishes and rooms. We learned to live as adults with one another, so we came into the equation with little of our own mandatory items on our personal Must Have list.

Now I was in a new situation. Joel and I both have our own experiences and list of things we don't want to repeat and this makes us prone to be more territorial and aggressive.

But somewhere this last time I saw something that hit me to the core.

I can't stop thinking about him whether I am with him or away from him.

This was even true of the night we first met...years ago....when I was in a relationship with someone else.

There is something about Joel and I and the combination of who we are together that seems to make me happy. I guess I can't put a price on his value to me..but it seems pretty high.

Where are my Priorities?

I can't help it...sometimes life unravels best when I am not laying out my tightly laid plans but instead riding along for the trip to see where I wind up.

Sometimes I feel like I am a character in my favorite book series, The Lord of the Rings. Sure I am a simple person who is not going to destroy evil but instead my quest is to figure out how to make money. It is still fraught with great meaning either way. To live in this modern world that centers around an income rather then meaning sounds trite, but I am positive as I wind my way towards grad school it will cause me to once again "Be The Change I Want To See In The World".

I feel my insides working forwards as I pull up an inner dignity and worth. I can do this. At least that is what I tell myself and anyone who is listening.

My son is visiting out of town too. So I am alone and thoughtful in a silent house.

To verify my interest I believe in fishing around for whatever hits my fancy. So I randomly googled, "documentary" "women" and "economic"...and up popped a book I promptly purchased. I am now reading "Half the Sky"....a book written by two excellent journalists, Nicholas D Kristoff and his wife, Sheryl WuDunn.

I am back at my boyfriend's home as I wait in a holding pattern, gathering funds and paperwork to pull together a new life in my coastal town for school. I oscillate between feeling hurried and forced to being annoyed at the slow pace that is getting me back to a life of having my own Mickey Mouse measuring spoons that signify I am cooking with my own gear again.

That poverty stricken factor is standing in my way again.

So time to distract myself by plunging into a new round of working through paperwork while balancing my school responsibilities and normal life stuff. I go crazy on studying things I don't have to in order to make sure I won't walk into my grad school classes being a goof who has to prove my lack of having any real clue about what is going on....so I listened to the Speech the president gave twice today, analyzing content and making sure I understand what this means to foreign policy here in the US. I also sprinted in to my book on Half the Sky, making sure I even limped through the really sad stuff I shy away from. I hate reading about women being oppressed anywhere...but the stories of forced prostitution and the little girls kidnapped and forced to work there plagued the back on my mind.

But still I am a restless creature and no matter how hard I buckle down and focus...I am also great at letting off steam. I shopped with my daughter and youngest for a bit today. I wandered along side of her as she bought necessities and goodies all on a thoughtful budget.

I grew overly excited about buying spaghetti and microwave popcorn, for my own reasons.

I knew my son and I would luxuriate in the foods we hardly get to see these days when he was done visiting...but I had a happier thought on my mind as well.

I am thinking of Joel. Sure he can be hard for me to understand sometimes. Sure I leave him fairly regularly in spite of promising his daughter that we, collectively, would not let that happen.

But I keep finding myself missing him terribly when we are apart.

He is funny and smart...two things I value rather highly but he also has another banner quality that has somehow slipped to the top of my list.

I think I need the guy.

I need to see his cheerful eyes and his red beard and his fair skin. His face has grown on me in ways I find make it hard to live without it.

That is doubly disturbing since we are bound to live apart as soon as I get myself down to school. Right after I iron out when I have to be down there and how I am going to swing the expenses.

So while I appreciated him a lot today, and said goodbye again to him as he went out of town...I found myself changing my ringtone on my phone to a song that matches the constant goodbyes. The lyrics describe a night together knowing that as the daylight comes he will have to go.

It fits for now.

Couch-surfing Reflections....

I sit this morning outside my daughter's home. She lives here with her long term firefighter boyfriend who has impressed us all with his sudden success and hard work at becoming certified in his vocation.

I woke up early in spit of promising myself that I could sleep in. I have already contacted the head of my new program at my grad school, updated my files and gone over any information for grad school admissions work. I have a bit of college work to go over while I can this morning but I find that I am very reflective.

I went over my Facebook Profile photos since 2008. On Facebook, these are sort of your main picture to let your friends and family know they have the right person. I was pretty good at actually updating mine regularly.

As I clicked through the shots, I watched myself transform from the scared housewife to the up and coming grad student I seem to be now.

There are photos of me with people...my mom and I, (probably for a past Mother's Day), Manny and I and Joel and I. There are hardly ever photos of my son and I. I did that on purpose even though we are usually together. I might be Ok with my own image and info on the internet but my son deserves his privacy, so even among my Facebook friends I try to avoid slapping his image on all of my posts. I do love our pictures though most of all since we both seem to shine with such glee in the same way.

We are happy in our coastal cities that we lived in after my foreclosure while I tentatively threw myself into a scholar. We were happy in Oregon during our brief 9 months there.

He and I enjoyed Manny in our lives, I can tell by the pictures, even though I have no desire to speak with this past boyfriend or even check on how he is doing.

My son and I loved being in Europe and returning home even though it was a bumpy ride. That boy never complained even though we were hungry during the last 3 weeks quite a bit. He had that spirit of adventure that one gets from watching Indiana Jones movies too much as a child.

All of it is reflected in our pictures.

I lost a few computers since then and that means that I have no way to get back hundreds of European photos we took or several year's worth of pictures that were stored on the computer, but not anywhere on a SkyDrive in the Ethernet....

But the Facebook photos have become a treasure trove of pictures gone by. I am not one for living in the past. Most of my adult life after my break up with my Ex-husband I have been very focused on the future, to be quite honest. But this morning I wanted to take a look back and look ahead as well.

I have loved everything I have had on my plate. Perhaps our small town Italian life was more interesting since we were hungry during the last part of it. Perhaps having the grouch of a boyfriend for 5 years, who steadily worked his way into a Blue Funk that would not abate, helped me to spring forward.

I do know what it is like to be happy. I was happy with Joel, but knew I wasn't staying around here much longer. I was happy with my Ex. I tried to go back to school when our lives were blissfully oriented towards our children and our community, but I could not climb past a cranky counselor who was disgusted that I brought toddlers along for my appointment to consider Columbia Community College nearby. She had no desire to make school possible for a woman who was interested in womanly things like homemaking. She never even gave me a chance to say I wanted to study languages.

I think being happy might not make me ambitious. I think it might even make me feel so joyful and complacent that I lack motivation to change a thing.

Under my normal circumstances those photos I just clicked through on my computer would not have included much outside of Disneyland treks and happy stay-at-home weekends, with home improvement projects and gardening shots.

I never stayed home out of fear of trying anything more. I have heard this sort of thought bantied about by those who are threatened by anyone who chooses to be a stay at home housewife and homeschooling mother. I think it is far richer and more satisfying than endless rounds of new school experiences and I know I chose wisely when I spent decades raising my children and others I hold dear. I never wasted a moment in that life.

I know how to can jelly and jam. I can pickle garlic, mushrooms and tons of vegetables. I can spin wool with my own spinning wheel and sew almost anything by sight alone. I can make foreign foods in the kitchen and cook over a fire.

But now I never have time.

Now I can also survey a culture, situation or experience with an analysis that includes all that I have been before, in my words. I could never write a report for a dignitary in the future about a new culture to be encountered without bringing into my words the rich knowledge that I gained from raising my own children and being a stay at home mom. I happen to like this new life a lot. I feel successful and joyful even as I limp along with my head being droopy from excessive effort.

I am grateful for my education but I think it has only enhanced the gifts of being who I was before.

I feel incredibly grateful for my foreclosure and divorce. I think this version of me will be useful to more then my immediate family. Maybe I can help be the change I want to see in the world since I know what it is like to be a wife and mother, poverty stricken and well to do. I think I can help change the political equation.

Yes, I am a couch-surfing homeless person. But I think that is proving to be just as important in shaping my future as student, wife or mother did.
 

Romantic Moment

There was a stunning moment this weekend that keeps filtering to the top of my mind. I was slow dancing in silence with Joel, under the stars, in the woods while camping, pine trees all around and a tent with our three kids a few feet away....

It was so calm, sweet and fun...it was one of the most romantic moments of my life.

I have been feeling secure and happy as I cling to time here to life here at his house knowing full well it is all changing quickly. I know I am gearing up for my jump to grad school, but at this moment he is giving me security and joy as I ready for the move.

I have a rhythm that is exactly what I am going to school to achieve. Here I can do the household's laundry on a specified weekday....I can tend to my son and school and do domestic duties regularly like change the kitty litter, sweep the floor, make the beds and just relax and feel appreciation. I want a job where I can do all these things and afford to go out to eat once in a while.

In the meantime I study like crazy on my present studies as well as my future work.

I know what is going on globally and locally when it comes to policy to make sure I am not the one to walk into class without a clue. But my mind is not there right now...my mind is on that night under the stars.

Soil Science and Other Frustrations

I woke with a start this morning at 2:16 am. This is typical. If you lived my crazy life since foreclosure you would find yourself waking at all sorts of odd times too.

"Where the heck am I?"

I wasn't in my bean bag back at my friend's house. I could hear my 12 year old somewhere nearby so I was able to lay around and get my bearings instead of hunt him down and assure myself he was fine and breathing.

In the last 4 weeks I have been trying to do a soil assignment for my very first ever Ag Science class.

I have always wanted to know more about planting soils and this was a good match for me when I signed up  for it since I love gardening and feel it is a massively important subject. In reality it is way off track.....

Yet I have been doing so poorly in the class I had to sign up for a sort of pass/fail situation. I am almost ready to graduate. This was sort of a required last leftover. Oregon universities need 3 sciences for BA work while my CA world only required one for my subject. Here I am in my last term finishing off with the only biology class I could swing.

Why am I doing poorly? If you read are one of my Facebook friends there is no real reason given in my posts....just a chain of whining about being behind in Soil science and the misery of spending hundreds of dollars this term on dirt and rocks for the labs alone.

But there are very good reasons. Just like people in real life we all walk around judging one another's situations with the scanty information we hold and wonder why others aren't keeping up on their own stuff. But let's face it....WE ALL HAVE STUFF GOING ON....

I am homeless yet again and I have been in 4 weeks of class each time turning in my assignment from a new very different location in California. I have been in the rocky foothills with a loamy soil for week 1. There I turned in an assignment that required a 30 page report on the soils of that region.

During week 2 I found myself in the Bay area...the soil was very different and my assignment was not completed because samples of soil were in complete. I didn't know if it was OK to dig a hole in the ground there...up to 4 feet deep.

Week 3 I was at my daughter's place in another area of the higher foothill regions. There was no place to dig a pit for my next level of the same assignment assessing soils.

Now I am in week 4...I have not turned in my crucial labs since Week 1, but there is a turn taking place and it is reflected in my feelings as of last night....

I had to stay here since my homeschooler has intense Star Tests  taking place back in Sonora.

After a lot of driving, sweating, moving and lifting, we came home to find Joel insisting we all go for a swim.

On the shore of a lake, my boyfriend, suggested I consider staying here...pushing off my sudden move to the coast for grad school until I am closer to my start dates. In the friendly sunshine he reminded me that I can get more aid from the school on covering costs and getting a job on campus. He also practically pointed out that I could use the time at his place to relax, finish my last term and stay with him indefinitely until August.

I was able to take deep breaths for the first time in weeks. And it was nice that he sounded like he wanted me to stick around for a bit longer. I already know that I really enjoy being around him and his kids. So does my youngest who is almost pressuring us to stick together.

But the first thought I had when I was startled awake was the realization that I could dig a hole here and do my assignment correctly. Not only do I crave more time with Joel but I could actually get my work done on my assignments.

The only downside is that we have not been able to spend more then a month together without a blowout.

It makes sense.....for now...

 

Bouncing on the End of the Diving Board....

I want to talk about all sorts of personal things that do not make it into my blog, like my son's birthday or my huge disasters as well as some of my greatest excitements, but those seem to be hemmed in by the one factor that is always short in my life, time.

I have never been the sort of person who is bored let's be honest, but I almost never have time to do the stuff that really hits me as "my fun stuff" in many ways like I used to do all the time.

My fun stuff is long luxurious phone calls with family and friends....goofy let's-watch-some-frivolous-fun-TV with my youngest, and squeezing in romantic liaisons with the same person, (life was so lovely when that was always the same person!). Time to pet my dog who is getting older right before my eyes and time to sit and watch the sun set with a slow conversation unfurling around me.

It occurred to me though, this morning before I popped out of bed, that I have been getting some of that stuff during this week of homelessness while I ready for Monterey.

I think I should rush less this weekend and breathe more. I have so much to be VERY grateful for....kids, that I adore and feel proud of....an Ex husband I would throw myself in front of a train for...A boyfriend who comes with the bonus of having really nice kids and family and a future for me, that might not include poverty.

I think that is one of my favorite things about studying and loving other cultures and places. I spent 20 minutes last night in the restaurant getting to learn to pronounce how to say "Have a nice weekend" in Chinese...it is so precious to get to spend time just piece-mealing my way through understanding other ways of viewing life. Yet I don't give myself that luxury often enough. I am at the end of my BA studies and am forced to be taking classes that fulfill requirements rather then fulfill my desires.

Even though I am getting all of my dreams, it is fair to say I have not allowed myself to enjoy this moment.

I think my goal for this special weekend is to look around and appreciate what I have already got in my life, even if it means that I have to be late on  my assignments for school.

I am grateful for my children. I am such a lucky mother. I have all the usual guilt that every parent has in their hearts but let's be honest...I have everything I ever wanted for them. They are bright, fun and even my littlest one is so self sufficient he can negotiate many households and interchanging family and friends which his siblings probably would not be able to do at his age since they had such a stable household and life.

In that sense, divorce and financial insecurity have helped him to wind up being a much more resilient child then his older brother and sister. I think the same has happened to me. I am far more resilient than the young mom who was overwhelmed by bills and small disasters.

Walking through the fires of big disasters has made me a much more interesting person.

I loved the Terri who used to spend so much time completely focused on her home life....the one who got up each morning to pick roses from her awning of them that grew over the sunny window..to put those beauties in a vase and place them on a doily in the center of her kitchen table.

I think that kitchen table, used by my Ex's Welsh Nanna, is in a garage at his house and has been since I lived in Oregon.

But this Terri is a much more capable person. I can see a scam a mile off now...I can recognize a court case being prepared against a loved one from a preliminary discussion...I can get accepted to grad school on my own terms and not follow conventional wisdom. I am wading through a final term where I am incessantly behind and know in my heart it will all work out fine for my entry into grad school this fall. I can handle a pretty intense job now negotiating details or analyzing facts in a healthy strong way.

My education has given me many gifts...and most of them are the new me who has a lot more confidence and capabilities now. I can handle a website and see my own products or friend's products filled with my favorite things...or detail my books and put them back on the market.

I have no reason to think that the little house frau from Tuolumne County, California can move forward into successes such as I see for myself...but somewhere inside I know I can do this because of all the gifts of being from Tuolumne County.

It is rugged cowboy country. It is filled with intelligent fun-loving people who enjoy a day's end with a cold beer and a relaxed discussion as they assess the world's happenings from a hill top of security.

I guess what I am saying as I pack up to head out again is that I know it will all turn out fine since I have been seeing that pattern emerging over and over again. The messy stuff seems to create more good stuff in the end....

Packing Makes Us Nervous

For some reason, we humans find reasons to feel aggravated or edgy even if we get all of our wishes.

I am mortified to admit that I am at present one of those thankless souls. I am going to grad school in a fabulous place that I have wonderful memories of hanging out with my family when little. So here I am packing my family pictures and all my clothes into tubs and boxes and I still have tons of books. But I felt scared....putting my life back in boxes....it makes me nervous...I am a bit of a homebody who is happiest "at home with my own things around me" (read that with an Irish accent akin to the Mary Kate Danaher character played by Maureen O'Hara in The Quiet Man). Something about slopping it all in boxes or tubs and labeling them with sharpies makes me nervous...and a little sick in the stomach. My shoulders were super tense and it wasn't from tossing heavy boxes....I think it was the thought of moving forward to exactly where I want to be...why on earth should I be tense? I am a success...right? Sort of?

I am truly grateful....but sometimes the scariest thing in the world is to have our dreams come true....