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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Post Christmas Epiphany 2015

As the brand new, red car I was driving, sped confidently through the predawn darkness, I tipped the bill back on the baseball cap I was wearing. The car persisted in speeding between the beautifully lit up high rises of San Francisco's Financial District.

Most every American, boy or girl has a preferred way to wear our caps. For me, the origins were utilitarian. As a little girl, I played on local teams for a couple of years. My sister and I had very good grades so my parents decided to let us be involved in sports. Typical of Mom and Dad's work ethic, we were exact in showing up to nearly every practice. I loved the time with dad and practiced at home all the time as well. In spite of this I was mediocre at best after 2 years of all out effort.

But I loved playing the game, throwing, running and catching. I loved the challenge of it all. In class, things were always effortless. My good grades were the product of focus and a hyper excited attention span to everything in the classroom but there were no obstacles to overcome. My family on both sides were nerdy and scholarly. It is in my blood.

But on the baseball field, I worked hard. Giving it everything I had, I still only exhibited mediocre abilities. Like Hermione in Divination class...I realized painfully, that some activities did not rely on research and study. Striking out was the norm for me on the baseball diamond.

But that was the gift of baseball for me. I do love succeeding at things, especially if I put my mind to it, but there is great value in literally dropping the ball...or running as fast as you can, and still not beating the ball to base.

Baseball showed me how to have fun at failing regularly.

It was debilitating to let the team down....but it was a great life lesson to learn how to accept the crippling feeling of not coming through naturally. If it hadn't been for the lessons learned in my favorite game, I think fear would have gripped my thinking and living.

Fear of failure takes a back seat in my life because in spite of knowing the "agony of defeat" I enjoy the effort that goes into "trying"...even when I have no idea how anything will turn out from day to day.

In fact... I think that makes things more fun. Not knowing...having occurences work out in spite of meticulous planning...these have created inherent aspects of my personality which are a greater gift than any other education I have received.

I love trying and failing. I love trying and succeeding. I love the way failure does not ring of missed opportunities to me, but instead heralds borders along a path to success. I have seen too many so-called "failures" that have just been stepping stones on the path to "success". I have also had amazing successes that turned into failures.

As I get older, I realize the terms are fluid and interchangeable, and almost borderline, meaningless. It seems the real success is to see everything from multiple perspectives.

Today's version of myself, gliding between sleek, glittering high rises, with my shiny, new car and dirty hair tucked into a baseball cap, is a success of sorts. And she is a failure of sorts as well.

I don't know why that feels so wonderful to accept and appreciate, but it does fill me with a reminder that I love my life and myself.

Here's hoping I get to catch a few today and drop one or two as well. I think each is an ingredient to a life well-lived!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Snapshot in Time


To me, writing is like taking a snapshot in time. I can not possibly write about everything I care about or everything I see shifting. All I can do is catch small snapshots in time…windows where I can stop and consciously look about me and figure out what is going on in the moment, nothing more.


I awoke this morning to a life I just love. I have had two days to rest and recoup from years of studies without a break. I have been studying through the January break, summer break….going back to 2012...That is where I stand today….I am relaxing…breathing….

The finals were hard…nail biting affairs where I felt I was on the verge of being pushed out over a C….(in this school an A, B and C were my grades last term…that C got me put on academic probation!)


The Development Project Management program I just finished after the term was also pretty intense….lots of nail biting there….and pushing myself to the limits and in my opinion I found myself doing a mediocre job….but fathoming everything I could get my mind to wrap around. I also loved the connections to the people around me. I will give myself a great inner score for trying so hard…and getting the point of our studies so clearly aligned in my head.

It seemed to illustrate the points being presented to have new, outsiders in our midsts…guests working on certifications….civilians I guess…..they added ideas and outlooks and improved the atmosphere that was swollen with other regulars at the school, thrown together from a couple of programs.


Don't get me wrong, I love the regulars. I love everything about this school since I am convinced that it is a clear representation of what world peace would feel like….but having non schoolees adds so much more to the mix….like a time I attended a lecture that had many retired brass from the military school nearby mixed with economic developers and disaster relief people as well as other students from many disciplines at the school. I felt that during that lecture format I had seen the future that was not so full of paradigms that divided military and relief efforts….a world where everyone could share the one goal of building up together after relief. After all the military held many lessons that the disaster relief people could gain from and vice versa.



The subject matter on innovation in my already completed summer program made it clear that mixing together new people creates new innovations and ideas since the outliers are the ones who will create new outlooks and perspectives. And inadvertently create answers or new ideas coupled with conversations with the older entrenched handlers of the problem.


I felt that this was the single best lesson of the series (which was frankly chock full of them!)…innovations are created by allowing different groups to play with the information and come up with fresh ideas…..


What a novel concept!! And this idea is not just some new idea toyed around amongst a handful of side bar groups. This is a concept being embraced by the UN, which is now encouraging its employees to work elsewhere for a few years! The old paradigm of finding an employer and sticking with them until retirement is thankfully dead for the time being. I never did believe that fairy tale…I never saw an employer that really took care of its people to deserve that kind of loyalty.

It might have been OK to think like that in the 60s when a company will take care of you now and your family until you die… when a person could work from 25 to 65 for the same place since technology was moving forward at a crawl compared to now….but lets look at today….every few years innovations are causing us to learn new devices and programs that can turn out to be the only tools for the trade in whatever field you move or cling to. Consider your smart phone, your computer….your laptop….your smaller netbook….your even smaller tablet….that is simply today’s devices…which will shift tomorrow I am certain.


Everything I learned at my junior college in 1981, is completely out of date….the psychology, the English…(we don’t put a period after the initials for CA anymore!)…my Astronomy book assures me there are nine planets…my ex learned to draw with paper, pencils and stencils in his architecture courses! Not one CAD computer in sight back then!


How ridiculous it seems to consider our school lives done after a first BA! We should all be figuring on going back to some sort of educational experience every thirty years if you ask me….we are living longer and yet we cling to those old moldy paradigms that leave the educational status to the young at heart and mind…yet in my school some of the best educators are not younger then 65! I think it is a crazy way to look at life to assume that education is complete and work is done at 65 when 1/3 babies is expected to live to be 100 now in the US…perhaps we should look more at the older concepts that every society on the planet adheres to….older people have experienced stuff….they hold wisdom every younger person could learn from….


From my perspective we should be recruiting older people to be returning to school and bringing forth their wisdom and experience…coupled with new fresh studies….and enhance the planet with real learning experiences.


Lucky for me….my grad school seems to already be into the idea of making sure our learning experience has real components from people who have actually done these exciting positions in life and kept themselves relevant by updating constantly and interacting with other groups and divisions in the school.

This cross-breeding style of knowledge has enhanced the outlay that I find offered in my program. I can experience classes with hands on background wisdom from many different ideas….we have economics professors with a heavy bend on the environment….and a favorite economic development professor who has also worked in the OECD and throughout South America….we have a strong military influence that also has its hands in Terrorism Studies and a huge influence by the Peace Corps.

I think it is this same focus on sharing knowledge and intermixing the different divisions that makes my school superior at creating new fresh minds for creating my imaginary peaceful world.


Just my snapshot view….I guess it could change tomorrow….but I think it is crucial to start investing heavily in our aged population’s wisdom…not just for improving the US GDP but for the world’s enhancement.


There are other countries on the planet where women are discouraged from working. With half the population not allowed to bring in a cash income they have forced their countries to always play second fiddle to the others of us who encourage everyone but children and older people to work. Imagine how much less our country would have achieved if we had benched half of our best players instead of encouraging them as we have to some degree.


In some ways we have done the same to a crowd that has been getting significantly healthier and more mentally fit then ever over the last 50 years.


If someone wants to retire at 65, by all means let them. But what if we are benching some of the wisest, best and brightest….way before their time? Having a hearing aid does not make you less wise….or incapable of sharing a vast wealth of experience with the rest of us, with or without an education. But what if we started treating the over 65 crowd like they should be free to choose options….opt in, opt out…or change your mind at will?

What if we started actually encouraging the over 65 crowd to come back to school? What if we allowed them to know that they hold wisdom that might be useful….very useful…if they came back with their old knowledge of the Cold War era mixed with the new technologies? This could be a unique blending of the best of both worlds that can handle issues and provide answers to global warming, national security, environmental disasters and cyber security…..and we could wind up adding some fresh old faces to the mix that might really cause some amazing innovations…..just my take I know but I want to go to my school with a proposal about this same issue…I have already brought it up at a meeting with the school’s president…though I just mentioned it on the side….he seemed to understand what I was saying…so now I plan on taking my studies over the last weeks and creating a proposal for my school to be the front line in this concept I have about encouraging the older crowd to come back…they might laugh at me or take a while to think of it but even the mere creation of this proposal is, for me, an exercise in practicing my last modules of school study during my Development Management Program. That means that no matter what, I can’t lose….it is the trying that is always worth doing.


Saturday, May 31, 2014

Saturday...a Day of Reflection....



I woke with a start…again…..

I have been in an intensive program that has pushed not only me but just about everyone else to our limits. I have been reduced to tears more than once. Better people then I think of myself as being have been close to quitting….

But what good stuff I am learning!! I am learning how to actually do Development work abroad within the confines of the big agencies and the little NGOs….and this was my first and greatest reason for going back to school in the first place…and why I chose this particular coastal town to study…it has a strong emphasis on having an international focus…..and a keen awareness of the importance of working with languages and cultures and thinking big and small…with a large percentage of international students…we really are a touch of world travel all within a campus zone.


I love the fact I can hear any language I can imagine within a 15 minute stretch of walking around in this environment. I have always had a great love of accents, alphabets and languages….but here I have been developing my ear at an amazing pace….I guess more importantly though I have been learning a lot about people and myself….

It is a strange thing to year to travel to foreign lands now to see the families and homelands of my friends.

Two nights ago, I was enjoying a Happy Hour college experience…and marveling with my professor of the week over a fellow students satellite vision of the roof of her home in Asia. The little red roof actually took up a big chunk of the block…I suspected this sweet, calm friend who speaks several languages might be rather well to do….I wondered if she would be uncomfortable in my cute little beach bungalow.

During this intensive I am gathering tools in a manner that is somewhat intimidating. It isn’t easy to already be studying with the best and the brightest that one can imagine inhabits life in grad school….but couple it into a program where the pace is accelerated enough to knock out the far stronger hearted people around me and you see why I feel like I am constantly treading water….this is not a simple position in life. I was equally surprised and amazed to find that all those students around me that I viewed as superior in so many ways….well, they also felt like they were struggling…which actually amounted to quite a nice gift to my ego and student heart and mind.

One of my class members, is a brilliant young man who always is calm and collected. His ease of expression and his demeanor of power allowed me to feel a sense of trust when I worked on a project with him….I mean it felt good to defer to him since he seemed to have a clue….later on, after our class ended but when we were all in social mode…I learned that he was not some spoiled little rich kid raised in the lap of luxury as I had imagined would help him foster such a confidence level….it turned out that his struggles in getting here included much more then getting English under his belt…he had serious obstacles in his way to make it here from his home continent…and I felt his story gave me a large amount of confidence to build on…as if he somehow transferred some of his confidence and inner strength….it all made me feel even better as I stretched myself to higher heights.

Somehow I am nearing my one year mark of entering grad school and leaving my home behind. I always feel like I am hanging by a skinny tether…yet somehow I made it here….I am poised for another week of this intensive…and waiting on my roommate who will add a whole new layer and flavor to life this next round…and I have to say I find it amazingly exhilarating….people are fun…dealing with people is even more fun….but tossing in language and culture that I did not usually get to cavort with and I find myself in a dynamic, flexible classroom at this school…breathing in different jobs and talents as if I am trying out new recipes and foods.

One thing I have been figuring out: I love everyone. Even when I get mad or frustrated…I can also feel the love later…when my head clears…I feel so much appreciation for every single interaction….I have been criticized in a manner much harsher then my teammates….I was the only one I knew of who had her speaking voice, (which is calmer and metered)…labeled as condescending before others jumped in a pointed out that they had not viewed it as such….and I have somehow survived….I expressed myself in a group presentation without speaking a word when my voice went after my cold settled in my throat….and I have to say that I actually enjoyed it in the end….

Both weeks of this intensive daily work have been over the top….and I do not think they have brought out my best work in any way, shape or form….but I do not think I have to be perfect to have learned a lot…and I do not think that I have to be the best when working with a team…I think that this year at my grad school has taught me to roll with the punches and accept the idea that doing work means doing the best I can while working with others in any way I can.

Oddly, I think I have been leaning a lot about myself too….what I like and what I do not like…what I am great at and what to relax about and what to get keyed up about as well.

I have earned so much as far as technique and how to complete big group projects….this has made me so much more ready to work for the UN or the State Department. This has been extremely productive study time…this whole year actually qualifies as true learning in that department. I cant wait to see what I wind up doing with all these new abilities…and I really want to see what opportunities this will all lead me to in the future….it should be fun!





Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Why Am I Here?

Older people do not understand how I can confidently go to school "at my age"...

Math is not my strong subject but let's be honest...if you did do the math I am going in an interesting direction.

I am wracking up an alarming amount of student loan debt. College in the UC system in the 70's cost $700. I owe over $27000 for this term in grad school alone...but I would not change a thing. I think it comes down to a pivotal concept that I did not at all understand when I was a teen and convinced we were all going to die in a nuclear disaster in the 80's...There was no point in finishing college or having a savings from that perspective.

Now I am older....I have raised perfect children...lived a perfect marriage and home life...lived in a community that was filled with loving and caring people for decades.

I get that the world is not nearly done...and even if it were...I am now thinking that Mad magazine's Alfred E Newman is closer to my true philosophy, "What? Me worry?"

People who are 50 years old are supposed to, I suppose be locked into jobs and careers and see this as a mad sprint towards that elusive concept of "retirement"....

I know I am older...but I can run when I what I what I want...when on a whim in Italy my Ex hubby and I decided to  walk an enigmatic distance along an old dirt road caressing the shoreline....we had no idea how many miles it translated to....

Hours later we rolled into the next lovely was a beautiful but very long walk that was really worth every moment. I think it was the trail from Monterosso to Vernazza in Italia....mind blowing!.... that there were houses along the old walkway that people lived they got around and dragged groceries to such far removed places was beyond me...

Anyway...I guess the point is.... that I am not planning on retiring at 65 and neither should you. I would barely have time to pay everything back and reach my stride!

But I plan on working and getting as far as a I can with practical hands on knowledge...for years past the 65 year old mark.

In my Economics class the wise professor said that he expects people to live to 150 within my lifetime.

That is when it hit me that I have made the wisest choice.

Ignore that outmoded wisdom and shoot for a degree now when I am older and wiser...I am gearing up for the middle ages of my life...I should be retrained for this middle 50 years. I shouldn't be due for another retraining and late-in-life college stint until I am around 100 if he was close to correct.

I know my debt to income ratio is effecting my ability to rent since my latest $27000 term has now hit my credit lowering my credit rating since I have an abysmal debt to income ratio at the present time.

But I think I am being savvy and clever.

I am getting the new trend clear in my head before it is being written about...before anyone is really suggesting that it might be far more clever to invest in your own college education through the middle zone of our lives...I see it as THE truth...

There should be colleges geared around catering to my age group....there should be loans based around my future income from banks and loan companies...people my age should be counselled to pursue whatever they are drawn to since it is the most practical segment of our lives to be in school...

We should be done with young children by 50....we should be ready to pursue the bigger goals.

I am studying economics this term....I have a class in development and improving people's plight around the world...I have another class taught by an Ex military man who is clearly into the practicality of learning how to problem solve global issues and protect people of all kinds around the world....I am learning in other languages as I always had wanted to do...and politics is still strong in my experience here at grad school.

I don't know what I am going to do with all this fascinating material I am rolling around in my head....but I can guarantee you one thing! This is not a waste of time and I am only just getting started!

Thanks Howard for prompting me to see my direction...

Thursday, January 9, 2014

The Divine Design

As frantic as my logical right brained studies have been my life is drawn forward always by outrageously far fetched coincidences that I usually don't bother to talk about with friends back home in Sonora...Ann, Rose, Marcia and Donna were my primary confidants outside of my dear kids and my in this bastion of right brained logical thinking I have not been at all my Reiki Master...psychic self...squishing any acknowledgement of my inner abilities, intuitions and interests...but today I wound up on a different trajectory, and my left brained world collided with my right, creating a much happier version of me by bedtime!

I like to introduce myself as a housewife and mother here, since I feel it is important to make it clear that we mothers and female sorts are just as capable of being feminine and also shining in the masculine world of business and scholarly pursuits...but I never bring up my left brained interests...especially here since I feared it would make me less serious of a scholar and lead to me being less successful.

Even as I write that I see the illogic of such a thought process...I am a success here and now...and respect should be accorded to me because I have not only earned it but I deserve it...yet look at me hiding my feminine intuitive side behind an inferior fa├žade of my own creation. No man or masculine class has subjugated me...I subjugated myself in a wild preemptive strike!

Here in this world of communication and language as well as passionate economics and cross cultural intermingling I should have realized that I owed it to myself to be me.... this is a world where I should have not just allowed myself to let others see glimpses of my inner being but I should have embraced it and let it shine else would others ever see the importance and value of intuition or of femininity to our over all goals of peace and security if I am suppressing it at all costs?!!

Tomorrow I am boldly following my inner guidance and intuition....even as I hope to jump into  wider business realms I am now seeing that I cannot get out there in the wider world while suppressing much of who I truly am....time to mix both sides of my brain as well as both my heart and my mind as well!

Bright Eyed and Bushy Tailed...

It isn't 7:00 am yet I have been up for hours working on communicating with loved ones and saturating myself in our subject matter in class! I love studying and putting pieces together in my feels like my studies are really making sense...and now it is showing me how to apply it to what I care about....

I got into school as a reaction to my I am figuring out how to rewrite the policies that regulate this screwy financial system...I am hatching and formulating ideas that are going to help me see where I fit in later....the idea is to stick with my biggest goal of pulling all of my studies towards wealth building for everyone and poverty alleviation.

I can't help but be excited and delighted to know another full day awaits my focus at school...the idea that I am living the dream really only sinks in during brief moments and at random times....but for now I am definitely bright eyed and bushy tailed!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Pianos and Wine

     It is delightful to be pushed to my mental limits and then unwind in the evening.....

     There are reasons many of us drink in is nice to unwind after pushing our mind to its mental  limit. I am without my youngster and pushing myself pretty intensely in this Economics Bootcamp that I am finding myself in this next ten days. I am thinking really hard and sitting for 6 hours at full alert. I challenge you to do the same at tis kind of intensity.

     Tonight and last night I stayed with a friend from the course that I already knew from Policy Analysis. I always knew he was one of the brightest people in the room...he gets what is going on with ease and it helps to know I can trust his take...but let's be honest...everybody here seems to fully grasp what is going on....I even think I do sometimes...but I fade in and out...but here in this situation I am feeling rather confident about my experience...I really like the overall concepts and the way they are presented. my classmates I am cramming in work on the side...I am only working as a tour guide but I am doing it on my lunch I get an hour for lunch and I am sharing my love and passion of this school's offerings for 45 minutes of it...not getting much chance to even eat much less the evenings are taking on tremendous importance for me....

      I went shopping with my school buddy and he cooked an amazing, broccoli, brown rice and amazing sauces...

     The whole thing was bookended by inspiring piano playing by my host while my hostess painted nearby....this adventure reminds me again that I love being with people...hearing their stories and living the experience of following another households rhythm. I am really traveling in Europe while enjoying my roommate experience...even here at home....

     After a dazzling dinner and delightful conversation, spiced with wine and intellectual open-mindedness I am relaxing in bed.

     My friend is playing the piano in the other room and its sonorous strains seem to caress my ears as the wine warms my nose, dulls my overly stimulated brain and stokes my heart. Wow....I am very lucky indeed!