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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

22 …..Flipped on a Dime!




    In a flurry of communication, my fortunes flipped on a dime. A practical person would say that simply tackling my problems as they arise is the ONLY WAY to move forward. They would see telling my sisters, who think more clearly, as the best move and the point where I did move myself forward. She would notify my mom and dad who always can outwit everything that happens in life…something that usually has me feeling like I must be missing some of the family wisdom.

     From my starry eyed perspective, things started to move forward when I gave my mind a break. I had been worrying and gnawing on worry, with my mind fully on the  money issue that had suddenly appeared the night before. I had lots of sorrowful thoughts but none of my worrying had amounted to any actual problem solving.

     I knew I was spinning my wheels and wasting time and energy. A whole night had come and gone since I had found that email…I had to get a grip. I have a way to get my excessive thinking in line…I prefer the mentality that sees to much mental chatter as being drawn into ourselves and away from whatever version of the divine you wish to believe. I knew I had to just dive into my best method.  I found instant relief…just like I always do. I got out of bed at dawn, (after a sleepless night!). It was obvious that I was keeping all my mental machinery working overtime without producing any results. It was time to do……nothing.

     Call it prayer. You can call it mediation too, but here with the constant church bells, it felt more like prayer. I was freezing in my tattered Monterey Peninsula College sweatshirt. I just sat there…teeth chattering, doing nothing. Dawn was waking up everything and I just sat and enjoyed the view.

    The birds called one another in different calls from what I am used to in California.  The wind rustled the sleepy trees. I watched the light spread over the valley before me and every time I had a thought I swept it away as if it were dirt before the dust pan.

     All of my usual fears valiantly came forward. I was reminded of my poor choice in a reliable person to watch my dog and all my belongings while I was gone. I was reminded of every blunder, rude remark, and stupid embarrassing moment. I could feel the momentary push to believe that I could be the most ignorant person on the planet, more so than anyone else.

     But when it comes to everyone else, I can always see that no one means to make mistakes. No one really consciously says, “Hey, I see some real possible heartbreak ahead…that is the path for me!”

     All the classy, intelligent people I have ever been friends with know this is the way to view everyone else too.

     I was able to pull back from believing wholeheartedly in my own stupidity.  If everyone else has their good reasons…odds are that I am probably not without good reason either. I have to be as kind to myself as I feel for everyone else, right?

     When you can look around and breathe free for a minute, for just that minute you have succeeded, and for that moment you have already hit the ground running spiritually, at least from my perspective.

     When I sat still doing nothing it all became so much clearer. I guess you could say that I was asking for something while I didn’t do anything. It really wasn’t nagging or entreating God…more like expecting, sort of “allowing” answers to come. And absolutely none did at all.

     But what a relief!! This is how I let go of everything. I just sit and do nothing. I was no longer desperately trying to blame something so I could fix it. The bald fact for me is when I meditate, breathe and just be for a bit, I can feel my body trust.  After trust comes that Divine feeling of prayer…well, at least for me. I am not real fussy for which version of God you revere. All seem to hold the Truth….and it goes by many names.

     I don’t believe it resides in one name or place, but instead seems to exist somewhere between my thoughts.  In between my excessively wordy, sometimes useless thoughts.

     This was an extreme situation. It had required an extreme reaction on my part. Time to do nothing…and I could tell I had managed to do it well. I ran out of words, in Italian, Spanish or English…and I could feel its calming effect.

     By the time my shivering had gotten me to rouse from my nothingness, I knew it would all turn out OK, with perhaps better now that I realized that I am not the true solver of my own problems. That was the Truth I found from attending lodge. I learned to trust something greater while there, with my lodge brothers and sisters…and here their wisdom was guiding me all the way in Italy.

     A few hours later, my fortunes flipped on a dime. Period.



    
      

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