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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Friday, May 18, 2012

To Travel Is To Have The Veil Lifted 7

   Since 26 Marzo, 2012, when I started this adventure, I felt as if everything made sense. Not only can I see that it is OK to have lost another love of my life, I see that my financial problems are all an illusion. I see my stressful need to succeed in school is an American misunderstanding. I also see that life can stay as simple and comfortable as it is right now or as complicated as I let it become. I can start living simply now or later or if I ever feel like embracing this perpetually. But knowing me…it is and will be fleeting and I will like struggle and have frustration and a life centered around the pursuit of power and money later on…but for now this feels right.

     I have clung to my hamster on the wheel American ways through my beautiful Welsh month, jumping through school hoops that included finding a proctor in a strange country in order to take a midterm, (that cost me an arm and a leg!). I also suffered through torment from the man I love as he battled his own demons too far away for me to help in a conceivable way. I missed chats with Kimberley and just doing Legos with Spencer and Elliot in Wales to do schoolwork that always seemed to beckon, late, as well as early in the morning. But here in the Abruzzo, I have been forced to release all of that and relax into a pace as old as time. If I choose to allow it…the people here, infinitely wise and caring, can teach me to live again, and appreciate each day with a carefully tended attitude of appreciation for what each moment brings.

     My classes are gone and I am going to breathe.

     Stefano, our host, who is the most energetic person to walk the face of the earth, is now gone having left early this morning. The last I saw of him, he was bicycling away over 11 miles to get to his final destination which includes a home back in the states. There I guess his name switches back to Steve. I will miss his helpful kindness but Spencer and I are happy to be by ourselves. Since my Ex-Fidenzata (Ex-Fiance) was training us before hand to do without him, we already had a good idea of how to swim in the pool alone.

      We leisurely amble out to the terrace, with ample animal sounds accompanying us and sit and do nothing. We look with our legs dangling over the edge of the terrace, which is more like the edge of a cliff. The view is stunning as we chit chat lightly. Spenchere and I happily play a song on the recorder together about sheep coming home to the fold and think of our Welsh relatives far away that we miss. I write in my pad of paper. Spenchere fritters away, plunking at the buttons on our new telefonino, cell phone.

     After the sun moves a bit, shifting all of the shadows around, I excuse myself for my shower…which includes one of my favorite treats of the day. I spent 3.50 Euros on a huge bar of soap in Florence, made in the city, that smells of sunshine and flowers. I bought it in March, but hadn’t opened it until now in this beautiful little villa. The floral scent clings to me most of the day and I feel like a princess when I grab that hulking, lovely smelling bar of sappone. For me it is a bouquet of flowers that I wear on my skin all day. As important as the light and airy scarves that I have taken to wearing here. With their bright colori and the ever present light Italian breeze, I always seem to see them flittering around my peripheral vision…making me feel beautiful even now when my nose is peeling from the Adriatic sun.

     I know when I get home to California, yet another good handsome man will be gone and my home will be packed up in a storage unit. My dogs are scattered to the 4 winds. But here I know, all of my problems are not as bad as they seem. I see myself as an ant. Yes, the road ahead has lots to do, but if I am an ant, isn’t my job tackling each new project as if my very life depended on it but also with ease and confidence? I think I have spent too much of my life already worrying about accomplishing something but holding myself back with self doubt and worry.

     Now is the time to sink or swim. It feels for all the world like I have already sunk…but inside I KNOW that is the illusion. I am already swimming myself back up like a cork on water…everything always works out for me. I am already enjoying myself in the process. The veil is really gone for the first time in my life.


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