My photo
Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

I have a Reader.!!!

I am so excited!! My mother is reading my blog...

She is not the most technologically driven person but her new kindle has made it so she can check our Facebooks and now to find she can find time to read my blog when she and dad are pretty busy people, is ....well, pretty exciting to me..

My stats show I have readers in lots of countries but to be honest....I am not used to anyone that I know mentioning they had read it...I feel sort of like it is a secret world where anyone who reads my words does not actually know me...but there is comfort in reading other people's experiences for me. I started this blog since it was such a crushing thing to lose the love of my life and have no stories or role models to go to for solace and while losing my house to foreclosure I found no examples, post Depression, of anyone who had done well after being ripped from their homes.  Ifigured my adventure would be at least one person's experience...not a role model or anything...but an experience to show what it feels like...

Now here I am entering another year and collecting stories of my success and failure as I trudge forward into new adventures both romantic, scholastic and in living post trauma...or drama or comedic tragedy...all I know is Elton John's words best describe my life so far, "I'm Still Standing!"

The Confusion of Simplicity

I find myself feeling completely baffled.

I spent over $1000 on a class with Oregon State University to take an Economics class to find information on how to improve an economy. I am interested in how our economy fell apart in 2008, and what factors led to a collapse of an old network of protections against a Depression." Remember, I am a Foreclosure Victim, who relishes the idea of getting back into the system to "fix" what I view is a broken economy. I also am VERY interested in Developmental Economics so I can find useful information about what has worked to make previously poor countries suddenly wealthy, (think Japan or South Korea).

The class with OSU had a text put together by Greg Mankiw, an advisor to Mitt Romney and a guy clearly in the Bush regime's pocket. I hate to be clinical but I thought he was a jerk. In the class we learned to take as "written in stone" old ideas that didn't work. In fact some of the "free trader" mentalities that his text pushes as "economic law" seem like the same policies to me that gave banks and investment firms free run of the economy and the very tools to collapse the housing market to the point of ruination for me personally.

I got my first and only college "F" in the class.

Now I am in a class that is fun, easy to follow and FREE through an online MOOC, (Massive Open Online Courses).

I have learned so much more then most of my other classes in this course that is relevant to my orignal goals. I want to  make a point of saying this...this course is SUPERIOR in every way to the one I PAID for...PERIOD! The class is EASY for me since it is simply designed and easy to come my out of date, confusingly designed Economics class with OSU cost me so much?

As if that was not confusing enough, why am I not concentrating this morning?

As I study hard this morning with my nose to the grindstone...learning what I find most relevant...all I can think about is the compatibility I had on my date to the snow yesterday. He even invited my dog along, took me out to a nice lunch and we talked and talked AGAIN...he is so easy to talk to, about with...

Everything that comes out of his mouth is incredibly compatible with work...why do I feel so confused when being with him is so simple?

Food For Thought

Some nights is my favorite song...Fun. I like the way it sounds...I like the words and I like the way I feel when I scream/sing it in the car. I had a date and after spending the evening with a perfect gentleman who made me dinner...I got home late at night and found myself dancing to the song in my heels...grateful to be alive.....

Friday, December 28, 2012

An Early Morning Rendezvous


I am in pain from the same illness that made it so I could not work.


But gosh, who cares? I just had the greatest morning and it is only 9 am in the morning.

I was able to take a long difficult night of painful sleep and turn it into an advantage. I was up and ready and my new romantic interest was as well... I was showered and dressed and I have to say I even looked nice by the early morning meeting time at a coffee house. No heels, but business-y nice.


It was strange to be in person since we have been in the habit of communicating via phone so we can be with our children as much as possible. Already I find his priorities in order.


He was adorable and we were meeting before the kids wake up....


Mine sleeps in until 9 am…so I was home before my youngest was stirring...but the conversation today was warmer inside a building instead of via cell outside in the chill winter air. I have been in the habit of talking to him so intently while I am outside that I have been unaware of the cold or the sun even rising...he is so fascinating.


In my little county it is not typical to find a man who has a history of world travel, college frat life, and who also knows some good hikes from here to the top of the pass as well.…lots for me to be excited about.


Gotta say it feels alive to be able to find someone who has alot of the same interests I my own little corner of the world.


The other morning at home, Mike caught the dog and I, out in the windy, freezing, cold morning shivering outside the door. I had my cell glued to my ear, the dog was curled up in a shivery ball on the cement at my feet. He tried to talk us into going inside where the house is warm with radiant heating but the dog wanted to stay where I was and I wanted to be able to talk as inanely and foolishly as possible, without being heard.


Not only did I find our conversation electric…but I was whacked with Mike’s good humored texts during the middle of our chat.


“INDOORS?? What a concept…”


“Small but visible signs of growing up. I’m so proud!”


Why does it seem like good cheer is still all around even after Christmas….?



Sunday, December 23, 2012

Waking Up....

I have been in a  dreamy happy stew since I am not working. I spend my days putting myself through a class that is far superior to the Economics class I engaged in with my crummy class cost me $1116 for a term without even counting the book and other expenses yet now I am enrolledin a MOOC with MRUniversity. I love the class since it is simply wonderful adn FREE...its content far outweighs my expensive class and I am finally learning what I went to school do we improve the economy as is, here adn elsewhere...yeah, that is what I do with my breaks...

I also have been knitting and making tons of presents. It is what I can do...I can't afford much EVERY year but I can make things for Christmas.

I also had the sensation that I was waking up...sort of shaking off a sleepy stupor....I went from craving the hot peppers...really big difference...huge difference!

A few days later I found myself sort of perhaps in the midst of something starting...I don't know what or anything...

I think I am waking up...I sat outside in bitter cold... enjoying rain, wind and get my fingers so cold that I could not type at the typewriter...and my feet so cold that I have been indoors for about 2 hours and they are still hurting on the bottom...why? So I could talk on the cell to someone I view as cute outside in the frosty morning air...

Either way...I can't shake off the feeling that I am waking up...

Friday, December 21, 2012

Winning and Losing....

Well, let's see, since the holidays started I lost my precious Uncle....he died just before Thanksgiving. I never had more then two so now I am down to one. I gained though alot of precious cousins I had not seen in ages...some since 1979!! I finally got around to putting up my Uncle's art and his handsome portait from his high school days and feel in some ways closer then I have in a bit...if my uncle and I weren't close lately it was all my fault...I felt embarassed to see him since I had been so happily married when we used to hang out...after the divorce...I felt oddly like I was a failure and had let him down...made me feel guilty to see him even though he is a great guy who never once showed the slighest judgment or concern...he was pretty good about figuring people knew their own lives better then he did.

I also lost my job that week and I guess my health. I had no choice but to quit after being told my illness was not being helped by the conditions at my job. I was uncomfortable to say the least but I oddly felt glad I had not been imagining my pain or my symptoms. I had to go in to Promptcare twice and the Emergency Room once to get some real details in what was up. Surgery was discussed but pushed off until January, at the present, to wait until the holidays are over. Maybe at that time, I will have some idea of health coverage.

The positive to losing my job is that I suddenly wound up with Thanksgiving off, the last two weeks of classes to bring up my grades (and boy, did I need finals off...they were rough this term!), and also time at home for the precious...I spent days crying under a hot pad but how delicious to be home!! Making things...sewing, knitting, gluing, and baking...just being with Mike and Ann is nice too...I can cry watching chick flicks with Ann..we keep hankies handy since we are both absoutely lovely!!

I brought my grades up from the bruising they had taken from my excess hours on the job....I had also found myself feeling much better physically the more time I spent at home.

This holiday season I have no money to buy presents. But let's be honest...everyone I know can buy themselves what they want...but I can make things from I am making a small handful of presents...just for those I love...I gave a new baby in my life a hand sewn green gnome doll...and her mommy some fun little gnome knitting needles I glued together myself. I am making baskets of good cheer that I have been working on for a bit...a few cans of apple butter...candles decorated with beeswax figures we made...stuff like that...very personal.

But I can't help but feel so many levels of my Christmas at home before going to grad richer and deeper...maybe it is the deep appreciation of life here at the house...or the job and all the wonderful people I was privileged to see daily...either working along side of them or waiting on them behind the counter.

Anyway, just as this year was winding down it seems to be tossing me a super pleasant surprise that has me completely off guard...I do not have a clue what it means yet but I am definitely happy with the direction this year is headed in at the finish!!