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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Running Into The Storm...

Life rolls along with amazing surprises...stressful surprises and cool ones as well.

I received the best Letter of Recommendation I have ever seen about me Friday, reconnected with an amazing friend yesterday and poured out my rather full soul on Sunday...

Sometimes it is easier in my book to ignore the truth and run for the facade....and sometimes we have to run into life head on and hope we don't get hurt in the process.

I picked a headlong run into a brick wall yesterday...which I have to admit was infinitely superior to waiting for it to hit me in the head...and I was grateful. And I realized how deeply I love all the people around me and what I am willing to do for them.

Often I joke about life being better when we pull the ostrich with his head in the sand techniques...but sometimes that is not enough either. I am the last person to look stuff in the eye...if I can help it....I would always much rather run from then run into the storm....

But the storm is a great place to find out what we are made of...I like what I am seeing about me...

Friday, February 22, 2013


Usually I don't endorse much here on this blog...just me and my slightly raw emotions rolling out in a stream that moves in fits and jerks...but I had a pair of earrings...the most vibrant blue...and some silver moons...they made me feel good...they weren't too big, (though let's face it... I love huge earrings!) but they always felt so nice...

I eventually left them somewhere and I have often thought of them...I found out today she sells the stuff...after years of not having them...I just figured out I can replace them...just i ncase you are is the link to these lovely creations...

Today Has Arrived

As I immerse myself in my personal anesthetic...I ran across an amazing fact in my Policy Studies class...According to my textbook, "The federal income tax that was passed by Congress in 1914 had a top rate of 7%; less than 1% of the population had incomes high enough to be taxed. Today the rate is 35% and half the population pays income taxes."

I can see now how this whole thing got started! The mid-western farmers and poor southerners were trying to make the rich railroad tycoons pay their fair share...but somehow it is now way off the mark...especially since many big companies are hitting our news for not paying taxes while most people I know pay something when it comes around to tax time.

How crazy is that? Or interesting at least....

Tomorrow is Another Day

Tomorrow is Another Day was not written by me but it has turned out to be true all the same. Yesterday was bleak and the day before was a roller coaster of crushing defeat but EVERY single crushing defeat has given birth to good stuff so let's see what is in store now.

I am using my access to a friend's excellent computer speed to make up for lost days on schoolwork and I also have to turn in my invoice for my fun reporting gig which has been quiet for 2 weeks....during my down time with limited access to the computer I missed a stabbing in a nearby town and a structure fire. But the next round I can devote better time to it since my computer cord should be showing up soon and I am going to work on making sure I can use fast service elsewhere.

Today I don't miss Joel as much...and I am feeling more capable of doing things.

But yesterday reminded me of darker days I have gone through. My question is, "How come change messes with my self esteem?"

I swear, it felt like I was questioning every part of my character and make up in general. I felt creepy self loathing and sorrow like it was a normal state and it surprises me now to analyze it since I generally understand I am a valuable person. In fact I really get the fact that EVERY person is valuable.

Having a double whammy of changes thrust on me that really cause a huge shift in my plans makes me feel like a homeless person or a world traveler. In some ways they feel the same. I can speak from experience.

When I was traveling the world, my son and I were constantly dragging around our belongings in our bags. I joked often that we were turtles as we carted around our clothes, toiletries, souveniers and keepsakes as well as stationary items through every airport, train and bus.

Because of my internet issues and the idea of moving up my shift to Monterey, I am now carrying my dog's food, my clothes and bed things, toiletries and every one of 20 schoolbooks along with me as I wind my way from my beloved Schnoogs to my buddy's house to use a faster internet that can handle the streaming I need for documentaries etc....

Anyway, it sure feels better to be here then where I was yesterday in the dark pits of despair. Here I feel confident and movement. There is only occasional pangs of self loathing that seem to extinguish themselves as if they were never meant to be. Yesterday they seemed to feed themselves and engulf all of me in minutes.

I suppose that everyone is allowed their moment of sorrow, but I sure have to say that it really bites if you ask me.

I release you Kind Funny, Joel...and I move forward on the move to Monterey, Terri, to show my confidence in you. I will be accepted and I am going to succeed.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Two Bricks and a Vow.....

When it comes to love I have to admit that I have been experiencing a much more violent form then my much happier sisters. Love often seems to hit me much like a brick to the head.

I have loved very worthy men. My husband was one and deserves my adoration still.

I think Joel does too...but it is obvious to both of us that we can not spend a long weekend, 4 days together and stay happy.

Right after I wrote that piece I found my heart on the floor and the proverbial brick to the side of the head...if he had not been such a good match it would have felt good to part...instead I have spent the last two days licking wounds that are far deeper then I care to admit.

I just finished a marathon session of silently snivelling into a blanket and getting over him.

I was hit by two bricks yesterday and I think that one hurt just as much...can't go into it...but it still is crushing...and add to that the frustration of having internet and computer problems while finishing off one of the last terms of my BA level work at OSU...and my aggravation is EXTREME!!

So it was definitely time for a solid good long cry...I thought I cried  enough for a year with the last round of letting go of Joel...I guess that was why I tried it one more time...he felt the same obviously or we would not have given it one more shot.

I wish I could be as cavalier as I was last time I was was hard to notice while I was having the time of my life in Italy or Wales...but right now the pain is acute and I am embarassed to admit to succumbing to a marathon session.

It was my Ex who dutifully sent me texts to life my spirits and after he got my text Joel as well....

I will feel better tomorrow of course...but today is not a great day and yesterday was worse...but I have noticed a pattern I do believe in. When bad stuff happens something good always comes of it...but if I ever give you any advice when it comes to romance my advice to you is to laugh and ignore me...anyone else is bound to be a better advisor then me...but I can admit that I have gotten it right before and I know it is not impossible because I have lived happily ever after before and someday...I will again. We can bank on it.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

What Nice People!

I found myself stuck in the neighborhood watching their inner workings and figuring out that these were just really nice people.

I walked my black and white dog...or to put it more honestly, she walked me, around the neighborhood. I have been the outsider since I have only been visiting, but everyone was chit chatty when I took the dog out before the snow...but afterward, it was as if the ghost of Christmas Past had decided to plant himself on today as well. The cheer was infectious as I found myself embroiled in an amazing scene.

All the children and adults filtered back in as the afternoon unfolded and they were thrilled with the weather and the mounting snow. The usual sounds of children outside playing, (and adults talking), in this very social neighborhood were multiplied as everyone seemed to need to be outside in this sudden storm.

As I walked around the loop, I noticed many of the people living here had congregated near the busy road at the entrance to this little dose of suburb in the country.

It warmed my heart to realize that there were about 6 people or more helping the stream of trapped motorists. There was a man directing traffic and many who were pushing cars who were stuck. As I spent hours there hanging out, group after group were pushed, pulled and helped out by this clump of really nice folk. Over and over I feebly jumped in when I could to dig out snow around tires, put down plywood planks and mostly help push the cars. Sometimes I felt I was making a real difference. I knew beyond a doubt that others were making a huge difference.

As we hovered around trying to help the latest group of cars get home, there were young moms bringing the children up to a safe distance to watch and also enjoy the weather.

I have lived in this county for decades so it is no surprise to me that people are nice...but it was a  surprise to me that so many people braved the freezing cold wet weather to just be helpful. I think usually I am holed up in the house making soup or walking the dog in my yard. This showed me that more often then not people are just plain nice.

As the sun started going down and the traffic seemed to dissipate, I talked to a couple who had been out in that storm doing an immense amount of the rescuing I witnessed. They gave me their names so I could quote them in my news story I want to send in. The site I work for might not use it since I am so new...or they might not be interested in this sort of story about nice stuff but I am writing it and sending it in tomorrow anyway. But I just could not get over how this couple sort of represented this little subdivision they live in...they helped a girl who was younger and had to figure out how to put on her car chains in the middle of the street. Out of kindness, they had also been guiding many others over how best to get on their way. He was soaked to the skin within a half hour of me getting to the scene so he must have been cold for hours in his wet sweatshirt. Yet they both lingered around waiting until there was no one left to save.

Aside from this couple, the rest of the team fluctuated and changed as some dropped out to go home and get dressed or take care of their kids. Always a new batch seemed to emerge as new people got home and came out to help.

I thought that sort of says it all about why I am glad to be back home....even if it is not for is still a treat to be here with such nice people!

When it was all said and done I measured 6 inches of snow on the fence post outside!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Snow Day!!


I stayed at Joel's and used his internet since my internet has been having serious issues at my home. There are times when it actually has been so slow that I have spent weeks waking in the middle of the night to do some of my college work in order to keep up. Because of this even my middle of the night romps were not keeping me up to speed on my studies.

So it does not seem out of line for me to use his internet when he is at work during the day.

That was why I was at his house today. I had gone out before lunch to do my reporter's job of turning in statistics from the sheriff's department and then I came home to study as much as possible.

I fell asleep watching a documentary I was actually quite interested in. The Ascent of Money. The author is my age and titled it as a twist on Jacob Bronowski's Ascent of Man series from the 1970's.

My daughter called around 2 in the afternoon to warn me I had 15 minutes before the storm would hit me soon. She said that in Angels Camp the weather had been a light rain but switched to heavy snow in minutes. She said that it took 15 minutes before the roofs were white and the street pavement too. "When it hits, it will hit fast."

I looked at the light rain outside and thought it did not seem cold enough for snow, but I shrugged and started a hot pot of soup with water and vegetables from the freezer. She can often times be exactly right.

I also moved some laundry around.

Then I saw movement outside the window. It was snowing hard with big fluffy flakes.

Within a half an hour we had 2 inches. And it was still going strong!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Face to Face....

Today was the first day since our breakup that I got to see Joel face to face.

I had wanted to have a know kids...other people....but the Universe seemed to be conspiring against me. I was alone tapping away at the computer when he strolled into my favorite local place, Schnoogs....

I was wearing sweats, my OSU  jacket with sporty colors splashed all over glasses, and a stack of books all around me along with pencils and pads of paper. I was not at all social looking...bookish and nerdly...but he was glad to see me...and looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the room, (Coincidently one of my favorite Flight of the Conchords songs).

It was bad enough that he was a nice mix of charming and humble....but he laughed regularly...not nervous at all...but genuine...and he always does....

His tone is a sort of surfer, laid back, mountain-y, snowboarding kind of sound. It is endearing to say the least.

I admitted our house has been having internet problems and I have had to use the cafe's faster connection to get caught up...then I slipped in my joke of how bad it was to lose the boyfriend with the great internet connection at the same time that our reception got weaker at home....

There was that laugh again.

How could I resist that laugh?

We both admitted wrongs...we both admitted rights....

He had me laughing at us...and at me and even his seconds...he does have a great sense of humor...My favorite line from Roger Rabbit is his wife's explanation of why she loves him so, "He Makes Me Laugh!"...with that throaty, loving, gush about his charm...she gives away the question of the whole movie...whether she cares about her rabbit husband or not...but she tips her hat with that line- she is completely in love with her guy.

I let that line flow through my head as he explained something I should have probably paid attention mind was elsewhere...Gosh he sure makes me laugh.

I agreed after a long conversation in the business to head over to his place to use his internet. When I got there I saw the two Lego figurines my son had made of us...

As I left angrily collecting my dog's food and computer over a week ago, I had let my eyes rest on a dark haired Lego girl (Me) who had been standing toe to toe on his mantel facing a strawberry blond Lego boy wearing skis that Spencer had declared to be Joel. Today...Lego Joel was on his side and facing away. Joel said that the Legos had been in different states of facing away from one another since I had left. I laughed at the way things in a household work though micro and macro means.

My love story just kept playing out this week...amidst long thoughtful talks with Ann and Mike....listening to The Hobbit on audio tape with my son...

I found myself finally meeting him face to face.

I felt alot more appreciation just being near him this time...after all I had kissed this whole thing goodbye...and during the silence I was convinced that our kids could not even play together anymore, which was really sad since they were the ones who got us together.

Hey...I think I figured out what can fill in that huge gender gap I was whining about...the division between both parties in a couple.

He sure wasn't interested in winning and neither was I. When we met face to face we were grateful.

We studied alongside each other. Carefully avoiding saying anything stupid but definitely hashing out gently many of the areas where we had not agreed before. Now the stakes were higher...we knew this time we had flat out lost each other...

This...whole adoring him thing...might be a good way for me to express myself better....or hear him better...or have him cut me some slack...or see we mean business when we are embroiled in a big argument.

He said he figured it was his fault...for not listening to Mike...who had clearly warned him to "not to hurt" me....

After I turned out to be so fragile...he said it occurred to him, Mike was absolutely right...


Friday, February 8, 2013

The Bureau Chief

     I am big on comic books and crime stories. My parents read detective stories voraciously. I picked up the playful version of that.

     I know what the “Editor” and “Chief” are supposed to act like since I have seen them in everything from “Superman” to “Spiderman”…and no where are they calm, cool and collected. My “chief” with my new reporter’s job is amazingly enlightened.

     He quotes Robert Frost, Jewel, and eats Doritos and Diet Coke.

     Now how am I supposed to process that?

     Instead of barking out orders via email, my Chief calmly collects data, encouraging a bevy of reporters along the way. There seems to be no ridiculous demands…or expectations to throw ourselves in harm’s way for a story. Just a mellow, calm intelligence that permeates quick notes via the computer.

     In the course of business correspondence, he let slip his ability to read ancient Greek and  Hebrew. I couldn’t help but notice my Chief is more like a pensive Indiana Jones when in professor mode.

    I threw together a modern Greek message, not easy to do since the font is not so easy to come by…one of my problems with typing Arabic as well. He pieced it out though my grammar must have been atrocious since I have only studied Greek with a travel book.

     Made me wonder if this is the norm, since he is more like the editor to the Washington Post in “All The President’s Men”….thoughtful, careful…smart…

      I think my Chief is better then the comic book versions…seems more like the guy who can motivate groups of people to do work…did Stan Lee ever talk to a real editor? Or have they shifted over the years?


Possibilities Again....

Getting down to final decisions...looking at my favorite Law School choice too...but it would mean LSATS and moving to the coast. It would mean a job and studies at night. It would also mean small class sizes where I could argue cases soon and be able to move into a professional realm but with minimal cost since it is one of the cheapest law schools in California. It is the only Law School I have already visited in person and loved. And I  interned for one of its professors from the past.

I have alot to do today but starting my application for there would be a great idea.

A Charmer....

So how does this happen?

To be sure when he figured out I was not just on shaky ground about us...he was surprised I think...I don't think he had expected me to slam the door closed and lock him on the outside...I am such a cheerful sort...

But I was so Upset with a capital "U"...I was so sad...crushed...grief stricken...and all those other words that mean more then "bummed" know...the realm where optimists like me shun...

He had no idea while he was dealing with a grief stricken family and the loss of his beloved grandma that I was spinning off in my own direction....a sad one to be sure...

So he sent me a kind text...and we texted for hours...sort of like how we originally got together, switching from buddies to more.

For 2 days I could not talk to him...but I finally called...and melted like butter at hearing his voice and his laugh. It is his laugh that gets me, like his super power.

I am trying to keep him at arm's length while I process what happened.

He is a great guy. But to be honest...I am afraid of how excited I was/am about him.

I was willing at one point to throw aside my carefully laid plans of grad find work here at home and live happily ever after...

We had talked about raising chickens, (I love fresh eggs....remember my real profession is a housewife-we like fresh everything!), growing food and maybe even getting a cow someday...something I always have wanted...pigs and a cow.

All of that poppycock is gone now...evaporated like a puff of air.

And I feel like it was silly to even let my heart control the mind knows that the only way to a future where I can travel and move forward includes grad school and moving away eventually...none of this settling down here at home with someone nice and living again.

But gosh, he sure sounds nice on the phone....this weekend we are going to try meeting again and seeing if we still feel as right as we did before our blow up. He seems confident we will. I want to believe such things are possible.

Where do men get such amazing levels of confidence in things? I wish I could speak so forthrightly about emotions and life. I have to admit one of my favorite masculine traits is how much they seem to "grab the bull by the horns" and "know" rather then "think".


My 11 year old and I process with when we are "quiet" we wind up not "thinking".

I don't like it...makes me feel lost and confused.

I think he is meant to grow up to be a lawyer...I feel the same about his brother and sister.

They are careful thoughtful people and I thought I was too...but lately I have had to re-evaluate.

I am also a jump in and do it kind of person.

Hearing my guy's perspective sort of put me in a light I am not proud of...but I have had problems with
giving the other person ALOT of slack and wondering why I put up with such uncomfortable issues for so long.

There is a fine line between judgment and discernment.

From my perspective the latest  Handsome Face was cruel and silent for the previous 8 days. After repeated tries at contact....(I had even suggested a counselor-which was met with a luke warm reponse!)...I gave up and moved in other directions...I finished my application to my first choice in grad schools.

Then he popped back in while I was still feeling good about an accomplishment.

From his perspective...he was "quiet" for 3 days. During that time his grandmother had died. This was not some distant grandmother who rarely saw him but  a grandmother he helped regularly tend and care for on a close to weekly basis.

He didn't, of course view himself as "cruel" but somewhat frustrated and confused. He needed a breather while he was processing his grandmother, (which is frankly a BIG deal no matter how you slice it- my throat still catches when I look at pictures of my Beloved Grandma Helen, grinning and looking classy like my sisters!), and our argument.

Makes total sense from both sides.

How do men and women get so far apart?

He is a good guy...but then again...every man is a good guy in my book...everyone is love-able and kind somewhere.

Every woman is good too...

I have enemies...but I would do anything to protect most of them in a heartbeat, (which also might explain my poverty and other issues that keep popping up in my life! You can care too much I now believe..)

I like to think that every character I have ever met has a reason for being where they are and deserves more then a fair dose of slack when it comes to my judgment.

He didn't remember saying all he said. He was sorry for it though. He was surprised to find that while he was juggling out of town relatives, family obligations, sorrow over his grandma and figuring out why we were mad at each other...that I had checked out completely.

I felt insensitive.

I can see his point of heart is just glad to have my cell chime his cheery song now as we tentatively reach out for each other with a much deeper appreciation.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Home Style Sandwiches...

Spencer and I were driving along our Tuolumne county backroads...and laughing about our adventures this year...we have been around this year...we have eaten in 4 European countries...and our favorite paninis are in Schnoogs coffee place in Sonora...where the locals go eat. They have paninis that have carefully toasted bread and plenty of meat or cheese or vegetarian accoutrements...Spencer and I went on a laughing discussion of how great all the food was in Europe...except the paninis....we had to come home for the best toasted sandwiches.....they were here at home...after living in Oregon, Santa Cruz and Salinas and Monterey...we found the best paninis were here in our lovely backwater.

In the car I slipped into Italian as I pretended to look at an invisible sandwich while driving, "Dove e il carne? O il formaggio? Dove e il pomodori? O Mozzarella?" Where was the meat, cheese, tomatoes and Mozzarella?...Sonora.....California.

It was funny how lacking in meat, cheese, tomatoes and mozzarella their delicate little finger sandwiches travel can teach you to appreciate some things at home more then you might have...

Everything else was an incredible nice to eat...even the simplest cookie was amazing in Italy...but it is be home...and enjoy the chilly home...

Surprise Text...

So I was basking in completing first completed grad school application.

I am on my way to even more student loan debt...but perhaps a future too where I can pay for them and afford a life where I can play and travel once in a while.

I also was enjoying my reporting gig...I am now a Crime Beat there are things to do now...

I carry my camera all the time now..playing reporter.

I was just starting to like myself again when I found a text from him.

I actually cringed when I saw it...afraid to open it...Wow...such a crazy place for me to be since I am usually a bit more aloof then that...I am not usually so scared...I am more confident...I am a Sonora High School Grad...that school pumped out confident sorts of all ages....but I was afraid to open this was what I had been hoping for, wanting for days...pining for this only super power if I was a super hero is my words and I had stopped sending him words....and here was a gift from him, precious words from him...

I opened it to find a quasi-apology...and a casual sounding all was only vaguely rocky between us...

I fumbled through my texting...desperately tapping away at the tiny keys, "Can we be friends again?" My hands were shaking...I wondered if this was what an addiction feels like....

His words  were clear. "Yes, I've had my processing time. Friends are good, I'm torn with the feeling that I can't be your friend because I like too many things about you."

I ran into the bathroom sobbing. My 11 year old was happily chatting with his sister in the other room and I could not upset him with this or admit how emotional I was over him...

I was overwhelmed as I carefully spelled out friendship terms that I could live seems his world has centered around his grandmother's happened smack dab in the middle of things...

My poor frail heart just was happy we were in communication at all...but it wasn't ready to be in the fray again at all...I felt tentative and I was afraid of him now...he had bitten me in ways I would get rid of a beloved dog Scotty from Star trek says, "Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me..."

Moving It Along...

Ann and Mike's son made me feel better. He pointed out tips for getting over such bone crushing sadness. He said to do something else...get my mind off of of my breakup...

I was still a bit aghast at my emotional feelings...soooo over the top. Why this guy? Why not anyone else after my Ex?

I must be a really cold have not opened up 'till now...this told me so much about myself.

I gave up after days of sending sparing contact. He did not answer anything...even my quick note sending my condolences over his dear grandma's death. She was healthy seeming when I met her....was it on New Year's? Or just before?

Her advice to her grandson after meeting me was "take it slow"...Or maybe she was talking about me...I think I was the one needing protecting in this story.

I dove into my grad school choices yet again. My family is so sick and tired of hearing about it I guess. But this time my 11 year old told me he did not want to go abroad and study...he wanted to stay in California. Even if one year of getting my Masters turns into 3 years in a heartbeat here in California. Whatever my boy wants...

I have finished applying to the college in  California, I have wanted since's hoping they let me squeak Economics is weak...I will have to do a $900 bootcamp...buying the book ASAP...I want it read way before I go...I also don't get to count my star language of Italian as my language...I am going to have to fall back on my other less stellar languages...French, Spanish...or Arabic...Here's hoping I can get up to third year college level before they test me...the down is a stretch...I could've gotten into 3rd year Italian in a minute...but the others are going to take studying before the test this summer.

I am a little sad...I had wanted London so bad I could taste it....or Firenze...Florence is the kind of place that gets into your soul so is haunting...Spencer and I miss it incredibly...we were there for maybe 3 does a place get under our skin so?

How did that guy get under my skin so? He was only 4 weeks...and a couple of years of friendship too...

I guess I opened up alot in Florence and with him...I also opened up alot in Monterey...maybe it is time to catch up to the rest of the grownups my age....I can't get stuck where everyone else was in 7th grade anymore. Moving It Along...

School on the California Coast

I am embarrassed to admit that pain runs deeper then I am used to on most stuff...I am a weak sort of person who delights in the fun stuff and has a really hard time processing sorrow.

I have had alot less of it then most people. Most of my life has been just plain fun stuff. I make bubbles in the spring to watch them glide away on the wind. I make Christmas decorations for the joy of the season. I swim as much as I can when the pools open up. I sunbathe often in the summer. I luxuriously read as much as my brain allows. Pain is something I avoid. I prefer fun.

I was barked at in 7th grade because I looked like a dog...but that really didn't hurt much...they were playful guys that I always beat at 4 square so I shrugged it off...they didn't seem like they really meant to be mean. The girls back then told me I was funny looking since my lips were too mom laughed when I told her...I happen to have mom's lips...she told me we had "lush lips" like a movie mom taught me my hurts are things I could wipe away by thinking of new words that meant the same but did no hurt so much.

I never went out with any guys until my precious Ex husband and that was OK since he thought I was perfect and I knew he was perfect so I spent the next 26 years feeling like any hurt was OK since he always thought I was wonderful.

That and the fact I like myself. I am funny and loving and as me as I can be. I try to live within my personal limits and really care about anyone who crosses my path. I love people, pets and wildlife. When you like kind of see how we are all really love-able.

So self loathing has never been huge on my list though it does pop up from time to time. And my self esteem is pretty good...I believe I am valuable and important too.

But the kind of pain the rest of the world felt as they experienced their first heartbreaks sort of never came up for me. I always had my husband who perfectly balanced me in every way.

Everyone else I know has experienced being rejected before marrying...I wasn't fully aware of it if I was since I never cared about anyone but Gordon. I never threw myself fully into the fray except for him. No one else got all of me. I lead a pretty cloistered life in a way.

So if you experienced rejection I think it made you stronger and more grown up. If you had someone reject you who had a really deep place in your heart...well, you are way ahead of me. I am where most people I know were in 7th grade...I didn't feel that until I was in my 40's and then he compassionately helped me through the process of breaking up. My Ex told me everyday I was beautiful and good and wonderful and someone else would come along and see that right away.

He was always right so I believed even my biggest hurt...could have been alot worse.

So I don't recall experiencing alot of pain. Most people who meet me want to shield me from pain. I am like the sister everyone cares and annoying at the same time.

Finding out that losing this guy I had only been with a month really threw me for a loop...breakups?  I like to move on by succeeding at something big...but it still hurt really bad! Why was this breakup so painful?

I was vacuuming and so filled with self loathing that the tears were right on the surface.

Ann came in from the fresh air outside and I suffocated her with a need for a hug.

"What's wrong?" her face was full of concern.

"I just feel so awful...and so sad and so angry with mind is thinking everyone hates me...Rejection really hurts...losing him hurts..." I was bawling like a goof.

She nodded knowingly and said she was afraid I was feeling bad.

I don't think "bad" comes close to the feeling of sadness I seemed to be experiencing.

After her hug though...I have to admit to feeling better.

I had spoken aloud how I felt. I popped a bubble.

It somehow shaped my insides into a different paranoid side seemed to melt with her hug.

I tried to dwell on his faults...but I had not really gotten to see much of his faults fact I am not so sure anyone has faults...they just have incompatibilities...things that don't mesh with me...but they make that person uniquely themselves...I figured that was why I was so OK with my last guy leaving me after 4 years of being glued to one another...he had his foibles that made him...him...they didn't match me anyway...but they were not necessarily faults...just reasons why we were a misfit....

I was in the UK with Kimberley and I remember her saying...."Terri...I have not seen you shed a tear over him. Are you OK?"

"Yeah," my California accent seemed stronger in a place without anyone else speaking it...(I could even hear it in that 'yeah'), "he is simply acting in character. I can't be mad because he is being himself....he is who he is... " And that describes my emotions over losing him...sort of an inner shrug and a recognition that I knew it would end like this all along.

I didn't have that feeling with this new guy, where was my Spock like interior that shielded me from this sort of thing? And I was now flat out bewildered by my lack of logic and excess of emotions.

This guy had wormed his way into my heart as deep as deep could be...Ouch...where were my precious walls I had grown so accustomed to?

So I applied at a California grad school 2 days later.

Silent Car Rides

An infinite amount of days passed for me to process my sorrow.

I enjoyed parties and my son's laugh. I also felt an inner emptiness. I hadn't felt this sad since losing Gordon. What was wrong with me? This relationship had only been a month....and I had longer ones I grieved less...well, I was in lovely beautiful Europe while grieving the last one..its hard to hurt at all when one is surrounded by such lush beauty and fun every day....but this guy's departure really hit hard.

I had to ask myself why I was suddenly so crushed....bone crushingly crushed. I  missed him, his kids, the whole picture. I stupidly had started planning a life with him. I was grieving for a lot  of reasons...none of them gave me any solace now.

So I had to piece out how to analyze and get over it.... it sure helped that he did not respond to anything I sent...even if it was an email sending my condolences over his grandmother's death....

My mind tried to figure out the core of my huge discomfort.

It was the silent car ride.

A man's worst weapon in the war on their nearest and dearest. Maybe the same goes for a man who also hates the silent car ride....maybe it is everyone's worst weapon to use on the ones we love.

If you are ever interested in a real long term romance with me personally...don't make me sit through a silent car ride! Maybe it is the same for all women, for all I know...but when I am in a silent car...I just want to jump out with all of my heart....and get away from the offending party. The silence feels like anger and I know it is aimed at me, even if it is not.

I am a communicator and being without communication is tantamount to suddenly finding myself impotent. If the words aren't allowed to roll out in carefully measured accuracy...I whither...inside and out.

I guess there is something worse...days of silence afterward....sort of like amplifying the effect of a car ride. A fast and furious way to express one's own discontent and any content I had left in my heart wilts as well.

That took me time to get over. Well....days to get over....

Friday, February 1, 2013

A Lack of Comfort...

You know I have a theory that it is not right to print one's own perspective since our own way of viewing things is not everyone's way of viewing things.

Sometimes though I might take being fair a little too far. I wrote to him just as I have my previous boyfriends if I am writing about them. This latest boyfriend told me that it was up to me what I print so I should just print without checking with him.

I worry about everything...what if his daughter reads my blog? What if his sister?

But after this last one he irritatingly sent me a text which said, "I already answered that."

So I decided it was completely appropriate to write my point of view without his input...even though I would have honestly preferred to write fairly what both sides's fine this way...but I checked it with my Ann-Girl first...

And I tried to be honest and fair...but the previous entry is about my perspective...and you have to remember these things run a day behind my emotions...I am much further along now...very into my son being home and schoolwork...and the party we found ourselves invited to tomorrow...

Losing my Latest Boyfriend…But Gaining Perspective

Losing my Latest Boyfriend…But Gaining Perspective

….I miss the cell phone ring indicating he has left another cheery message.
….I miss his laugh.
….and when I picked up my son last night he was talking quite a bit about him…before I explained we had broken up.
….it is amazing how quickly schoolwork and music and time with Spencer, Ann and Mike have filled up that void…
….I am not angry…
….I guess I am stung by his use of the term “embarrassed” at having been “in love” words he called “immature” now.
….and the moment I was sniveling like the female I am proud to be…
….when he muttered that I was crying like this was a longer and more important relationship then it was to him…
….my tears ground to a halt. I could feel my face instantly dry.…
….Suddenly I felt so much less about the whole thing…I’ll be darned if I grieve alone.

He wasn’t meaning to be cruel…but ask any women you know and they will see shades of something we are very familiar with since we are the ones who help the whole family process their emotions.

We hear so much more then they mean to say…

Now that last 2 days was such a far cry from what I had experienced I was not sure what to think. The guy who laughed so well with his kids and loved my dog and all pets…and seemed to truly be interested in me, (I know I love the guy still)…seemed to disappear as he switched to the guy who had to win at all costs…not just “win”…but crush his opponent. And right now I was the opponent.

That whole time though he did not stay “mean” but interspliced this combat personality with his normal kind easy going self. The normal version of him has an easy laugh…and a happy sense of humor that seems to see humor in everything…even when my dog took his side…he is not a monster at all….other wise we would not have gone so far so fast. I deserved to fall for him…in a lot of ways I had not been so genuine since my first, Gordon.

Even though I knew in his heart he is a kind and funny person…his switch seemed so sudden I felt a lot less safe around him with words…even though he is laid back and light hearted. I had the idea he was meaning to crush me…rather then engage in normal couple rules.

I say normal couple rules…as if there are any….but I took a goofy marriage and money class at Sonora High. We learned that you have the right to have feelings and you should never tell the other one how to feel. We learned to validate and accept the other’s view before launching into your own view of what happened recognizing that each person’s perspective was valid and worthy.
     My last man who left me while I was out of the country would not win sensitivity awards by his own honest admission…but he would regularly say.... “Your feelings are your feelings…you never need to walk away feeling your feelings aren’t validated. We all have feelings. Period.”
    I could tell my really nice guy though was in a mood to crush me.
     I know he would not mean it and I said so…before I could finish explaining what I was hearing so he could change my perception or explain what he really meant for me to hear, he snapped with an “then don’t even tell me…you know I didn’t mean to hurt you. I shouldn’t have to tell you what I meant if you know I am usually nice.”
     The question was at the time-How do I jump on the task of explaining how I was perceiving his arguing technique compared to my own which insists on me validating, honoring and accepting? How do I explain that he was vicious compared to what I was used to? And if he was suddenly ruthless, was I even willing to go there anyway?
     I was lost in a quandary. I know there are differences between men and women and that they are fundamental and biological. I appreciate those differences and the times I live in where I am free to notice or ignore them if I wish.
     My boyfriend before had told me in a moment of pure brilliance on his part a wonderful and helpful vision of the male psyche.
     “If you and I are arguing there can be a point where my masculine side takes over. I turn into the football player version of myself involved in a conflict. Then you will cease to be dealing with a friend and find yourself in mortal combat with a soldier who needs to crush his opponent. I won’t care if that opponent is you.”
     I saw this masculine side of my latest….and as loving and kind as he is…I am not really excited about the guy who needed to crush me verbally, when he had already won, made his point (and probably already lost me)…
    Since Manny told me his masculine secret, I have seen other situations where I saw men vehemently argue on behalf of their Holy Right to do almost anything…even while I was an onlooker knowing full well that the guy does not really want to win this argument. It seems almost like a wild inner drive to be on top of that battle. Even if they would not let anyone else treat a female that way. We are not talking about violent. Or even heartless, just viciously arguing for upper ground. Even if the point is mute and meaningless.
     From my perspective us women go into arguments like we are dealing with the man we love or the child we need to convince. We go in wanting to lift up their personalities not squish them…we want them to feel validated and tended to and at least partially correct in their view. We never intend to CRUSH our opponents. Not ever. It creates more work for us in the long run so we avoid it like the plague.
     Under these kind of gender gaps…how can anyone get along? Even with the perfect mate? Not even for a very handsome face that had me laughing for a good percentage of our time together, can I find myself having the time to try to hammer a road of positive communication through the wide gap we have between our collective camps.
    But it does make me wonder….what do our daughters learn from dads who need to crush their females in a verbal discussion? That is not a lesson any guy I know wants his daughter to learn! Or would they want their daughters to find a romantic partner who hears them…and validates them…instead…? These really wholesome and good guys seem to think that if they hide behind resentful silence instead…it makes it OK. But my feeling is that whatever they do to the women around now…will be what their daughters will be expecting in her life later.
    It makes it easier to not miss the cell phone’s happy chime. I can let that go.