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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

School on the California Coast

I am embarrassed to admit that pain runs deeper then I am used to on most stuff...I am a weak sort of person who delights in the fun stuff and has a really hard time processing sorrow.

I have had alot less of it then most people. Most of my life has been just plain fun stuff. I make bubbles in the spring to watch them glide away on the wind. I make Christmas decorations for the joy of the season. I swim as much as I can when the pools open up. I sunbathe often in the summer. I luxuriously read as much as my brain allows. Pain is something I avoid. I prefer fun.

I was barked at in 7th grade because I looked like a dog...but that really didn't hurt much...they were playful guys that I always beat at 4 square so I shrugged it off...they didn't seem like they really meant to be mean. The girls back then told me I was funny looking since my lips were too mom laughed when I told her...I happen to have mom's lips...she told me we had "lush lips" like a movie mom taught me my hurts are things I could wipe away by thinking of new words that meant the same but did no hurt so much.

I never went out with any guys until my precious Ex husband and that was OK since he thought I was perfect and I knew he was perfect so I spent the next 26 years feeling like any hurt was OK since he always thought I was wonderful.

That and the fact I like myself. I am funny and loving and as me as I can be. I try to live within my personal limits and really care about anyone who crosses my path. I love people, pets and wildlife. When you like kind of see how we are all really love-able.

So self loathing has never been huge on my list though it does pop up from time to time. And my self esteem is pretty good...I believe I am valuable and important too.

But the kind of pain the rest of the world felt as they experienced their first heartbreaks sort of never came up for me. I always had my husband who perfectly balanced me in every way.

Everyone else I know has experienced being rejected before marrying...I wasn't fully aware of it if I was since I never cared about anyone but Gordon. I never threw myself fully into the fray except for him. No one else got all of me. I lead a pretty cloistered life in a way.

So if you experienced rejection I think it made you stronger and more grown up. If you had someone reject you who had a really deep place in your heart...well, you are way ahead of me. I am where most people I know were in 7th grade...I didn't feel that until I was in my 40's and then he compassionately helped me through the process of breaking up. My Ex told me everyday I was beautiful and good and wonderful and someone else would come along and see that right away.

He was always right so I believed even my biggest hurt...could have been alot worse.

So I don't recall experiencing alot of pain. Most people who meet me want to shield me from pain. I am like the sister everyone cares and annoying at the same time.

Finding out that losing this guy I had only been with a month really threw me for a loop...breakups?  I like to move on by succeeding at something big...but it still hurt really bad! Why was this breakup so painful?

I was vacuuming and so filled with self loathing that the tears were right on the surface.

Ann came in from the fresh air outside and I suffocated her with a need for a hug.

"What's wrong?" her face was full of concern.

"I just feel so awful...and so sad and so angry with mind is thinking everyone hates me...Rejection really hurts...losing him hurts..." I was bawling like a goof.

She nodded knowingly and said she was afraid I was feeling bad.

I don't think "bad" comes close to the feeling of sadness I seemed to be experiencing.

After her hug though...I have to admit to feeling better.

I had spoken aloud how I felt. I popped a bubble.

It somehow shaped my insides into a different paranoid side seemed to melt with her hug.

I tried to dwell on his faults...but I had not really gotten to see much of his faults fact I am not so sure anyone has faults...they just have incompatibilities...things that don't mesh with me...but they make that person uniquely themselves...I figured that was why I was so OK with my last guy leaving me after 4 years of being glued to one another...he had his foibles that made him...him...they didn't match me anyway...but they were not necessarily faults...just reasons why we were a misfit....

I was in the UK with Kimberley and I remember her saying...."Terri...I have not seen you shed a tear over him. Are you OK?"

"Yeah," my California accent seemed stronger in a place without anyone else speaking it...(I could even hear it in that 'yeah'), "he is simply acting in character. I can't be mad because he is being himself....he is who he is... " And that describes my emotions over losing him...sort of an inner shrug and a recognition that I knew it would end like this all along.

I didn't have that feeling with this new guy, where was my Spock like interior that shielded me from this sort of thing? And I was now flat out bewildered by my lack of logic and excess of emotions.

This guy had wormed his way into my heart as deep as deep could be...Ouch...where were my precious walls I had grown so accustomed to?

So I applied at a California grad school 2 days later.

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