I enjoyed parties and my son's laugh. I also felt an inner emptiness. I hadn't felt this sad since losing Gordon. What was wrong with me? This relationship had only been a month....and I had longer ones I grieved less...well, I was in lovely beautiful Europe while grieving the last one..its hard to hurt at all when one is surrounded by such lush beauty and fun every day....but this guy's departure really hit hard.
I had to ask myself why I was suddenly so crushed....bone crushingly crushed. I missed him, his kids, the whole picture. I stupidly had started planning a life with him. I was grieving for a lot of reasons...none of them gave me any solace now.
So I had to piece out how to analyze and get over it.... it sure helped that he did not respond to anything I sent...even if it was an email sending my condolences over his grandmother's death....
My mind tried to figure out the core of my huge discomfort.
It was the silent car ride.
A man's worst weapon in the war on their nearest and dearest. Maybe the same goes for a man who also hates the silent car ride....maybe it is everyone's worst weapon to use on the ones we love.
If you are ever interested in a real long term romance with me personally...don't make me sit through a silent car ride! Maybe it is the same for all women, for all I know...but when I am in a silent car...I just want to jump out with all of my heart....and get away from the offending party. The silence feels like anger and I know it is aimed at me, even if it is not.
I am a communicator and being without communication is tantamount to suddenly finding myself impotent. If the words aren't allowed to roll out in carefully measured accuracy...I whither...inside and out.
I guess there is something worse...days of silence afterward....sort of like amplifying the effect of a car ride. A fast and furious way to express one's own discontent and any content I had left in my heart wilts as well.
That took me time to get over. Well....days to get over....