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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Tomorrow is Another Day

Tomorrow is Another Day was not written by me but it has turned out to be true all the same. Yesterday was bleak and the day before was a roller coaster of crushing defeat but EVERY single crushing defeat has given birth to good stuff so let's see what is in store now.

I am using my access to a friend's excellent computer speed to make up for lost days on schoolwork and I also have to turn in my invoice for my fun reporting gig which has been quiet for 2 weeks....during my down time with limited access to the computer I missed a stabbing in a nearby town and a structure fire. But the next round I can devote better time to it since my computer cord should be showing up soon and I am going to work on making sure I can use fast service elsewhere.

Today I don't miss Joel as much...and I am feeling more capable of doing things.

But yesterday reminded me of darker days I have gone through. My question is, "How come change messes with my self esteem?"

I swear, it felt like I was questioning every part of my character and make up in general. I felt creepy self loathing and sorrow like it was a normal state and it surprises me now to analyze it since I generally understand I am a valuable person. In fact I really get the fact that EVERY person is valuable.

Having a double whammy of changes thrust on me that really cause a huge shift in my plans makes me feel like a homeless person or a world traveler. In some ways they feel the same. I can speak from experience.

When I was traveling the world, my son and I were constantly dragging around our belongings in our bags. I joked often that we were turtles as we carted around our clothes, toiletries, souveniers and keepsakes as well as stationary items through every airport, train and bus.

Because of my internet issues and the idea of moving up my shift to Monterey, I am now carrying my dog's food, my clothes and bed things, toiletries and every one of 20 schoolbooks along with me as I wind my way from my beloved Schnoogs to my buddy's house to use a faster internet that can handle the streaming I need for documentaries etc....

Anyway, it sure feels better to be here then where I was yesterday in the dark pits of despair. Here I feel confident and movement. There is only occasional pangs of self loathing that seem to extinguish themselves as if they were never meant to be. Yesterday they seemed to feed themselves and engulf all of me in minutes.

I suppose that everyone is allowed their moment of sorrow, but I sure have to say that it really bites if you ask me.

I release you Kind Funny, Joel...and I move forward on the move to Monterey, Terri, to show my confidence in you. I will be accepted and I am going to succeed.


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