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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Spring Full of Promise....

I dragged myself out of bed again at 3 in the afternoon.

 I had been up since before 6 am but the bulk of my chores were complete before lunch.

 One of those chores was to follow through with an appointment I made the other day to take my CA Driver's License test. I knew my record was immaculate but I never received a pin number to renew...what with all of my moves lately I figured I just got lost in the shuffle. So here I was all studied up and ready for my test...on the practice tests I had only missed one, but I was still nervous...for school I take many tests a term, but this one is far more important. The privilege to drive is crucial to any CA, old or young, we all take it seriously.

The other most important thing was to take another picture...I have been saddled with a wretched looking, tired faced slog of a picture for a few renewals...I was desperate for a new one. Now people wont comment on all the weight I lost I hope...

I left bearing my new temporary license and the assurance that the new one will be coming weeks before the old one is unusable.

That made me laugh!! I turn 50 in over a month and I finally have dealt with this sort of thing at the right time!! Usually I am racing through this on the last few days...but not this time...give a girl a half a century to learn something and here I am proving it is possible to figure out some stuff!!

And my other big news is that I have been accepted at the only grad school of my choice!! I knocked off all the cool European choices to roll into this old favorite that has been my longtime desire since 1980...

Even though that is what is on my mind...I am dragging myself through a tedious round of slow pokey colds that leave me tired and exhausted after something as simple as a shower.

After a morning of successful endeavors...and a lunch with Joel and my son...I should have been zipping full boar into my last papers for classes I love...yet I fell asleep for an hour while my son played video games with his faraway brother. I fell asleep to him laughing and chattering away with him.

Even though I looked nice today...I dragged myself out for a walk with the dogs, donning a knit cap, big warm boots my sister gave me and my warm OSU sweatshirt...and I still was not warm enough in the sunshine...but gosh is it pretty outside...the grass is green...the breeze was fresh and spring-like and the delicate little buds were popping out on all the hundreds of oaks around the beautiful house.

This spring feels full of promise....

 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Petitioning For More...

Sunday I worked away at school papers. Within minutes after I turned in my written assignment we found out my Ex hubby, one of my best friends was on his way up to hang out with us!! Spencer and I had a great time going to the new Oz movie, (James Franco, the all powerful Oz, looked just like Joel to me), and just being most of our family. After all 4/5 of us were together. My oldest, my youngest, my Ex and I had a blast being glued to one another's side for a couple of days. My older son was too far away to play with us.

We went up to a high country spot we consider to be a sacred family spot...sojourning there for years...petitioning the Universe with scrolls filled with wishes and requests.

This time I had a scroll filled with new requests since all of the old have been granted. After all I am a few short weeks off of another college graduation, I have traveled to some cool places and experienced some awe inspiring changes. It was time to touch bases again.

This scroll, rolled up and wrapped with beaded blue wire, asked for fun ahead, grad school for me and a happy life in our next great adventure.

While I attended to my dreaming the guys indulged in a very wet snowball fight as they walked another nearby summit.

I sat on the throne and marveled at how much the vegetation had grown since I was here last...at least 5 years ago.

I was overcome with peace as the dogs explored the area around. I had the calm feeling it was all going just as planned and that it was entirely possible to have my dreams of being employed soon in a professional position be fulfilled.

I smiled. It would be so nice to be self sufficient financially. And working in a professional capacity.

I also want to buy my own Disney passes and zip down on weekends that I do not have papers due.

I would like a life with comfort and ease...a 3 bedroom house. A decent car to drive that is not only stylish but reliable. To be able to travel for fun too and eat out on occasion.

I don't need a fancy life...just a more comfortable one...and it almost feels like the next logical step.

Now when I do these relaxing lists...I like to go back and change the "wants" to "haves"....

I am self sufficient financially. I have my own Disney passes. I have a life of comfort and ease and a 3 bedroom house. I have a car I love. I travel for fun. I can afford to eat out on occasion.

Then my recipe is to walk away from my prayer and see what happens. I just don't worry about it after that. I kind of feel like when I do I am letting the Universe figure out what is next...and at its pace I seem to wind up doing just fine.

 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

A Dark Place Gone Light...

Yesterday I found myself at the DMV. For my international readers I should explain what the Department of Motor Vehicles is to us Americans who spend a lot of time abhorring our very government that we hate and revere all at once.

A Californian worries for weeks before visiting the DMV...fretting about when to squeeze in the trip and knowing that beyond any doubt...there is a miserable time waiting for them at the hands of a government bureau fraught with red tape. I think that is why everyone I know waits until the last minute to deal with anything that deals with the place even though it really holds our most dear possession in a sense...our privilege to drive.

I was fortunate since I was not waiting until the last minute but instead attending to my license renewal which is coming up soon but not today or this month even. I could drag my feet and relax in here.

I walked in and there was a smiling Joel. I know, what is wrong with me? The guy is everywhere. And the hard part is that we always seem to have such a nice time even though we are not a thing anymore. And I am getting geared up to move...there is no chance this is going anywhere...right?

But he was there easy laugh and all. I worked my way through the lines of bureaucracy with a smile and a companion as I found out that my driving record is spotless as usual...my car is not in the CA system since it was purchased in Oregon and I made an appointment to take another written test to drive with plenty of time in case I fail to retake the thing.

Usually the room is heavy with anxious people getting ready to part with the ungodly sums us Californians shell out to drive on our roads and pay our officers to ticket us.

Today, though I was tired and overworked on schoolwork and other things...I felt somewhat serene. It could have been sitting next to a guy with a cute smile or it could have been the sheer scope of good things that seems to be dazzling the corners of my vision...but even one of the darker experiences of any Californian's life...a visit to the DMV...seemed...I don't know, fun.

There, I said it. I had fun at the DMV. The guy behind the counter was funny, handsome and nice too. He had remembered me at my supermarket checker job from a few months ago and he was really helpful.

I had to admit it was just really nice to be there.

مرحبا

So I have been adding to my "Dreambook" that I cart around adding new dreams. There are new additions adding my grad school choice and what Spencer and I want our new house and life to look like there along the coast in a new/old favorite town in California.

It was always one of my favorite places to go with my parents when I was little. One of my favorite memories is when dad and I climbed along craggy tidepools, dad toting his ubiquitous camera. My sister, now the blond bombshell, always lagged behind and mom always stayed close by her. She was always so much calmer then I was....

When I am in this old city I feel like I am a new explorer like that kid in my memory. I don't think the version of me exploring alongside my amazingly strong father ever worried about whether she should be right at the forefront with dad or not. She knew she would do fine and she was only there since it was the most interesting place to be at that moment.

I want my now one and only grad choice since I am convinced it is the most interesting place for me to be right now. I think Spencer will enjoy exploring it alone with me. We can have a blast.

They sent me a note saying that I was nominated for scholarships and admission by the committee. I was thrilled by the email. Let's hope that means I am in the realm of making it in, or at least it might be a possibility.

I hate to say it...thinking I might jinx myself, but I feel like it is going to happen....almost as if it was meant to be...I mean I have dreamed of this place since 1981. All the languages and culture. I had a paper I found recently of my old yellowed sheet describing the exciting experience of studying there. I had sent for it in the mail in 1980.

I just have to relax and trust...I chose Arabic as my study language again so here it goes...I spent $45 on Arabic CDs to listen to in the car to rehash what I already know...I am geared up for the jump...just waiting another week for word if I have been accepted...السلام عليكم

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My Dream Book....

So I have a way of dealing with life's uncertainties.

When things seem out of control and my stomach feels out of sorts, I know it is time to focus instead on what I want. I find at each change things get....uncomfortable...and I crave some idea of what I want. When I am out of touch with what I want in life it seems like sometimes I even get what I have been asking for and I don't even see it since I wasn't at all sure of what I wanted from the Universe.

In fact in truth, I find that most of the time for me...when I am not sure of what I want...all sorts of things turn out to be what I was asking for or thinking about or praying for with out knowing it...that I really did not want in reality.

I think of it as trying to live consciously...I have to admit though that it might not be anywhere near the right way to live or anything but it is my way...and I am sticking with it for now...

This is the time when I pull out a Sketchbook I bought before Europe.

The first pages are filled with pictures I drew with my son using colored pencils of our walk in Santa Cruz that was a main focus of ours before we left. Last time I was there a year ago drawing these images...we had no idea we would not be returning to our life there in SC....there they are...the soft color of colored pencils drawings...an otter lazily floating on the water...a lighthouse in the distance...that was my daily reality before our trip...so I drew it...

I also had pasted in 15-20 postcards with images I thought were fun...for me there are the usual things...I carry in my wallet a picture of Albert Einstein sticking his tongue out...a Tibetan monk making a peace sign while wearing sunglasses and a free Tibet pin over his official sacred looking garb...reminding me that Spirit is fun...fun is Spirit....

Steve McQueen is sitting atop his motorcycle in 1963's The Great Escape to remind me it is OK to try stuff...I scribbled a line from Van Halen's song..."Go ahead and jump...might as well jump!"

I left many blank pages and found myself filling them in with Spencer as we flew around Europe or rode in buses...or walked around...or sat in airports...or in a lovely Welsh Police House. We drew with the colored pencils in little metal tins we dragged all over Europe...I wrote a poem I learned in the Abruzzo from my friends there about September and the time of the Sheep Migration.

I wrote about what we were doing...what I wanted to do and what we had done...

Before grad school...I have to sort of refocus...what do I want? So I am going to spend a bit dreaming....with my sketchbook...and it makes me feel, I don't know...calm...and nice...and I read it when I feel unsettled...and I feel better....

Monday, March 11, 2013

Clarity and Smoke....

We just spent 4 lovely days involved with dear friends at the Celtic Faire in Sonora. They loaned me renaissance era clothes and I bought a few pieces and we found ourselves having a true vacation from our own life....what a blast!!

I tried to get an idea of what was important since I have so much on my plate what with moving, school, figuring out transportation and nailing down a good job and home in Monterey. Instead I found myself immersed in Elizabethan Guilds, Pictish Vikings...smoking a fire breathing dragon, (when I flipped a switch the mystical beast's fog machine rolled into fluffy white motion) and spending quality time with my son. What a nice healthy weekend of pure fun.

Since I had to buy a new computer I have had an impossible time getting any video or pictures to load...so there are no cool shots of the fire breathing Welsh dragon yet to share but it is a really nice thing to have  felt such release from all the things that I enjoy but weigh me down to some degree. It makes it all the easier to focus and gain some clarity now as I tackle my school work for a couple of hours before my youngest wakes up.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Goodnight...

My computer time has been considered premium since my internet has been spotty and my loyal laptop has been dead since a few days before I last wrote in here. Most of my computer time has been spent on schoolwork where I am nearing the end of my term and getting my application into my grad school choice once Europe got tossed out of the picture.

If I work at it I think I can get in ...I chose Arabic as my language of choice since I can't choose my first choice which is Italian. I am hoping I make it into this school and I am also gearing up to move over as soon as I finalize things...I have no money for such an endeavor but I feel confident I can find something again.

This time I am also excited about a different kick to the proceedings...I am hoping to be able to find work while in grad school...I really want to leave the ranks of poverty stricken students and support myself in the manner I wish to become accustomed to....(that quote is Ali McGraw from Love Story)...

I received three Letters of Recommendation...two of which I was fortunate enough to read...made me cry in one case...I don't think of myself as the kind of person that people would say such glowing things about. I now need to start working towards finishing up my BA from OSU's online program. I had an apppointment with my counselor on Friday and she gave me the good news that I was not behind as I feared..and instead I am on schedule for graduating in June from Corvallis...

Which makes me want to just try to swing going up for my graduation...I can meet my favorite professors...and my three favorite people who probably made it all happen...a bookstore guy...an ECAMPUS liaison and an excellent counselor. Wearing the cap and gown again and going up for maybe a couple of days seems outlandish since I can ill afford a trip to my next town much less Oregon again...but I really want to go. I think I am ordering my cap and gown anyway...just in case...it can be a present to myself in any case...

And today was once again a first chance to see Joel after our last and final breakup...today we were just our kid's parents...it went much better this way....I wound up sitting next to him at the theater...which was so uncomfortable that he actually cracked up when the kids suddenly switched and left a gap open next to me...forcing him to sit there...uncomfortably next to me...

But the movie was funny and his sense of humor was nice to be next to...he laughs at all the right spots...I think we both pulled off friendship really well...

A few more times like that...hopefully... before I move away and I am positive we can be good friends...instead of the whole romantic thing that felt good but soooo did not work. Then we can do visits when I am gone and it will be alright...gotta clear that up BEFORE we go...

Overall...I feel more accomplished then messed up this week and that is a good thing for anybody to admit...and tonight I am planning on doing a rare thing for me...I am going to go to bed without reading anything for school...or like the good mom to my son...and tomorrow...(Gasp!!)...I plan on SLEEPING IN...something I only very rarely do...if I am lucky I will make it to 7 or 8 am instead of my usual 4 am...I think getting in my app by my March 1st deadline deserves a great reward....sleep is just the thing for me...and now I can afford it...

And on that note...G'night!