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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Bouncing on the End of the Diving Board....

I want to talk about all sorts of personal things that do not make it into my blog, like my son's birthday or my huge disasters as well as some of my greatest excitements, but those seem to be hemmed in by the one factor that is always short in my life, time.

I have never been the sort of person who is bored let's be honest, but I almost never have time to do the stuff that really hits me as "my fun stuff" in many ways like I used to do all the time.

My fun stuff is long luxurious phone calls with family and friends....goofy let's-watch-some-frivolous-fun-TV with my youngest, and squeezing in romantic liaisons with the same person, (life was so lovely when that was always the same person!). Time to pet my dog who is getting older right before my eyes and time to sit and watch the sun set with a slow conversation unfurling around me.

It occurred to me though, this morning before I popped out of bed, that I have been getting some of that stuff during this week of homelessness while I ready for Monterey.

I think I should rush less this weekend and breathe more. I have so much to be VERY grateful for....kids, that I adore and feel proud of....an Ex husband I would throw myself in front of a train for...A boyfriend who comes with the bonus of having really nice kids and family and a future for me, that might not include poverty.

I think that is one of my favorite things about studying and loving other cultures and places. I spent 20 minutes last night in the restaurant getting to learn to pronounce how to say "Have a nice weekend" in Chinese...it is so precious to get to spend time just piece-mealing my way through understanding other ways of viewing life. Yet I don't give myself that luxury often enough. I am at the end of my BA studies and am forced to be taking classes that fulfill requirements rather then fulfill my desires.

Even though I am getting all of my dreams, it is fair to say I have not allowed myself to enjoy this moment.

I think my goal for this special weekend is to look around and appreciate what I have already got in my life, even if it means that I have to be late on  my assignments for school.

I am grateful for my children. I am such a lucky mother. I have all the usual guilt that every parent has in their hearts but let's be honest...I have everything I ever wanted for them. They are bright, fun and even my littlest one is so self sufficient he can negotiate many households and interchanging family and friends which his siblings probably would not be able to do at his age since they had such a stable household and life.

In that sense, divorce and financial insecurity have helped him to wind up being a much more resilient child then his older brother and sister. I think the same has happened to me. I am far more resilient than the young mom who was overwhelmed by bills and small disasters.

Walking through the fires of big disasters has made me a much more interesting person.

I loved the Terri who used to spend so much time completely focused on her home life....the one who got up each morning to pick roses from her awning of them that grew over the sunny window..to put those beauties in a vase and place them on a doily in the center of her kitchen table.

I think that kitchen table, used by my Ex's Welsh Nanna, is in a garage at his house and has been since I lived in Oregon.

But this Terri is a much more capable person. I can see a scam a mile off now...I can recognize a court case being prepared against a loved one from a preliminary discussion...I can get accepted to grad school on my own terms and not follow conventional wisdom. I am wading through a final term where I am incessantly behind and know in my heart it will all work out fine for my entry into grad school this fall. I can handle a pretty intense job now negotiating details or analyzing facts in a healthy strong way.

My education has given me many gifts...and most of them are the new me who has a lot more confidence and capabilities now. I can handle a website and see my own products or friend's products filled with my favorite things...or detail my books and put them back on the market.

I have no reason to think that the little house frau from Tuolumne County, California can move forward into successes such as I see for myself...but somewhere inside I know I can do this because of all the gifts of being from Tuolumne County.

It is rugged cowboy country. It is filled with intelligent fun-loving people who enjoy a day's end with a cold beer and a relaxed discussion as they assess the world's happenings from a hill top of security.

I guess what I am saying as I pack up to head out again is that I know it will all turn out fine since I have been seeing that pattern emerging over and over again. The messy stuff seems to create more good stuff in the end....

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