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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Waking Up....

So I woke up this morning realizing it was high past time to reassess some stuff. I am behind in my two science classes that are all I have left to have my Bachelors from Oregon State University. I am running ragged trying to figure out how to deal with Soil Science...find a home in my new town...finish grad school requirements that need to get turned in even though I have been accepted, and find time to just play a bit and have fun with my homeschooling son who should be my total focus in a perfect world. I wonder sometimes when I look at him whether it will make up for this time of pure focus where I am perpetually soaking in my schoolwork, when I can buy him a car when he is old enough to drive. I find it a haunting thought.

I poured everything I had into my two older kids and now Ex-husband, and I don't have an ounce of regret. I, in fact, look at that time as meaningful and complete in ways no job that pays me well can ever offer.

But now this whole scholarly section of my life is bringing me great joy and confidence to be honest as well. I guess when I analyze did all of my so-called failures like attending my home's auction in 2008 just before my birthday, and losing an excellent soulmate and hubby, and screwing up my attempts at understanding life as it unfolds around me...all of these things are enhancements if you ask the me of today.

Regardless, I woke up and looked around and felt incredible pressure to move forward now. Time to look at what is not helping me move forward and assess what needs to go as far as habits and time usage.

So I have been Facebooking to keep myself busy while I wait for endless downloads for my school to complete. These files always take 10-15 minutes or more to load and I enjoy the communications that alleviate the tedium and help me to network with a large group of friends....people I have loved in the past and still but would avoid saying so at all costs. I have a tendency to really feel strong affection for the people around me and it is always a positive to have people around you who make you feel good about them and yourself.

So Facebooking has been useful in keeping me focused on my schoolwork....otherwise it is my nature to walk away from the computer and go outside to be honest. But will I need that as much when I am no longer an online student? When I am in person the conversations will not be unfolding online....they will be unraveling all around I might need to nix as much of my online communications.

I also have to look around and see what is happening with my inner and outer life.

I have a lot more chatter in my head at the present is as if my school has taken an already active mind and pushed it into hyper drive. I think I am going to shift meditation, yoga and prayer back up to my first priority in the morning. It actually seems to enhance my studies too and help me to keep my focus together. I also would like to do more physical again....I know I have problems with my physical health but even so I am strong and very physical. I think I can go back to running when I get down to the coastline. I am going to go back to walking several miles...I used to regularly, 3-5 days a week walk along the Boardwalk to Natural Bridges in Santa Cruz...came out to 5 miles most days, 7 when it was sunny...

All of these things are worth putting my energy into and seem to also make it easy to focus on my work in front of me.

I am not sure what to cut out...but at least now I have an idea of what to add back in to the mix....I did yoga and meditation every day for over 15 years before getting sidetracked by school. And when I was in Italy, my friends gave me prayer books of Italian prayers that have enhanced my ability to feel calm, cool and collected when I utter them in clear Italian at dawn.

I guess I can start today...maybe I shouldn't wait......

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