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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Where are my Priorities?

I can't help it...sometimes life unravels best when I am not laying out my tightly laid plans but instead riding along for the trip to see where I wind up.

Sometimes I feel like I am a character in my favorite book series, The Lord of the Rings. Sure I am a simple person who is not going to destroy evil but instead my quest is to figure out how to make money. It is still fraught with great meaning either way. To live in this modern world that centers around an income rather then meaning sounds trite, but I am positive as I wind my way towards grad school it will cause me to once again "Be The Change I Want To See In The World".

I feel my insides working forwards as I pull up an inner dignity and worth. I can do this. At least that is what I tell myself and anyone who is listening.

My son is visiting out of town too. So I am alone and thoughtful in a silent house.

To verify my interest I believe in fishing around for whatever hits my fancy. So I randomly googled, "documentary" "women" and "economic"...and up popped a book I promptly purchased. I am now reading "Half the Sky"....a book written by two excellent journalists, Nicholas D Kristoff and his wife, Sheryl WuDunn.

I am back at my boyfriend's home as I wait in a holding pattern, gathering funds and paperwork to pull together a new life in my coastal town for school. I oscillate between feeling hurried and forced to being annoyed at the slow pace that is getting me back to a life of having my own Mickey Mouse measuring spoons that signify I am cooking with my own gear again.

That poverty stricken factor is standing in my way again.

So time to distract myself by plunging into a new round of working through paperwork while balancing my school responsibilities and normal life stuff. I go crazy on studying things I don't have to in order to make sure I won't walk into my grad school classes being a goof who has to prove my lack of having any real clue about what is going I listened to the Speech the president gave twice today, analyzing content and making sure I understand what this means to foreign policy here in the US. I also sprinted in to my book on Half the Sky, making sure I even limped through the really sad stuff I shy away from. I hate reading about women being oppressed anywhere...but the stories of forced prostitution and the little girls kidnapped and forced to work there plagued the back on my mind.

But still I am a restless creature and no matter how hard I buckle down and focus...I am also great at letting off steam. I shopped with my daughter and youngest for a bit today. I wandered along side of her as she bought necessities and goodies all on a thoughtful budget.

I grew overly excited about buying spaghetti and microwave popcorn, for my own reasons.

I knew my son and I would luxuriate in the foods we hardly get to see these days when he was done visiting...but I had a happier thought on my mind as well.

I am thinking of Joel. Sure he can be hard for me to understand sometimes. Sure I leave him fairly regularly in spite of promising his daughter that we, collectively, would not let that happen.

But I keep finding myself missing him terribly when we are apart.

He is funny and smart...two things I value rather highly but he also has another banner quality that has somehow slipped to the top of my list.

I think I need the guy.

I need to see his cheerful eyes and his red beard and his fair skin. His face has grown on me in ways I find make it hard to live without it.

That is doubly disturbing since we are bound to live apart as soon as I get myself down to school. Right after I iron out when I have to be down there and how I am going to swing the expenses.

So while I appreciated him a lot today, and said goodbye again to him as he went out of town...I found myself changing my ringtone on my phone to a song that matches the constant goodbyes. The lyrics describe a night together knowing that as the daylight comes he will have to go.

It fits for now.

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