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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Negative VS Positive

One of the perks of getting what you don't want is that it points you precisely in the direction of something more appropriate.

Spencer and I have been told over and over again by well meaning friends and family that we simply need a home of our own. It sounds like exactly what the emotional doctor ordered but it is not so easy to attain when one has no income and no hope of one while pushing forward on a scholarly career that is looking like it might be expensive.

I want to go to grad school. I have been diligent, even in the face of adversity and homelessness I have kept up on my studies, well except Soil Science, which was a poor excuse for a biology course requirement if you ask me. It is not that it was terrible but it needed me to do things that did not go well with couch-surfing like dig a 4 foot deep hole. Each week required a different analysis but my soil changed weekly since I leapfrogged all over the state.

In spite of many crazy obstacles I now find myself getting so close to a life long goal I can taste it....studying languages at an Institute I dreamed of over 30 years ago while still in high school.

I would really like 2 or 3 languages but I am not the best linguist in the world....but I simply love translating, speaking and listening to Arabic, Italian, Spanish and French...or any language for that matter.

If I could I would study a few languages, but I am in International Policy Studies which is a great subject, combining my love of politics and international cultures. I figured it would make me more hire-able in the long run and I am expecting to be able to pay back my student loans.

Trying to figure out what I want though is not as easy as it would seem.

I want to be in the town where I will study, within 2 days after graduation from my OR school. I have to be up in Oregon for that graduation but ready for class, moved into the area and ready to roll on the Monday following. All of these absolutely wonderful objectives have my stomach turning. It is so much all at once and I used to be a home body who reveled in having her own space.

How am I going to calm that nervous twinge?

I already know. Today I am driving all over the place. While my son and I are driving I am going to make sure we talk about what we want in a house and a life down along the coast in easy tones, assuming all the while that we will get at least some of it in a matter of weeks.

That sounds naïve but it does always seem to be true.

We need a 2 bedroom place of our own. A place where we are free to be ourselves. Spencer wants a pool in addition to easy access to the ocean. We want a yard to let the dog out and to garden in. I would love to grow some tomatoes and squash of my own.

I want to live in a house that is filled with my own stuff.

I also want to start my International Policy Studies program in the fall....but that is conditional on a few things. I need to have my BA in hand which I won't until having squeezed into a Biology course somewhere...and I don't have funding yet...but even if I can't start IPS work  in the fall I can at least attend my school for the summer program which will help me to be ready. I can also try to do certification programs that I already wanted to incorporate into my studies anyway.

Already just running through this stuff calms my nerves.

I think I have done an awesome job in spite of all the excitement. I have endured numerous breakups that I had wrongfully blamed myself but now I see in a crystal clear way we were a nice fit at the time but my devotions are not always rewarded in a way that is befitting and I really didn't have time for any dalliances anyway. I just really feel bad about how much I had adored the kids too. But even that sort of thing can sour if children are not really on the same wave length.

My son and I focus an awful lot on the positive. We are not comfortable with lots of negativity. The problem I have when I look back on it is that we shouldn't be constantly put down for saying something nice. It happens everywhere.

It happens in this manner. When a cheerful person says something positive there are multiple ways to react. Some are affirmative. Some respond with negativity. Others seethe with hostility and put down the if they were clearly stupid since they were not on a constant gloomy binge of judgment.

I never noticed it until I watched it played out against my son.

So now we are seeking our own home...damn the costs.

I have ideas...on how to deal with my lack of funds and know I will attend my school if not today, next term or the term after. I guess that the idea is that I can pull forward if I keep my mind clear of negative people and negative thinking. That is the only way I have been able to swim this far.

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