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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Time for a Victory Dance.....

The average age here is 27 years and I am twice that...but this group is serious and studious and intelligent. They are not prone to emotional outbursts which is a far cry from the Community College level campus that I attended in this area in 2008. I did a lot of schoolwork near the football player's hangout in the library and they were prone to happy wild outbursts, even in the library. I think they were intelligent too...but they were not so calm as this group has a tendency to be.

 Picture this. I am in a stately quiet cafeteria on my grad school's campus....I finally finished the last important task of a very long day. You can hear a pin drop. I have been in studies since 9 am....I attended a seminar after class. I talked to the office that has brilliant people I want to intern for in the political realm and  they want me after talking to the office I had already worked for in the past. I finally sent off my revived resume this late afternoon as per their instructions to get the job....it is 6:30 pm....my son watches a streaming video by my side.

I couldn't help myself.

I jumped up and engaged in a Victory Dance....I jumped up and down, up and down in my suit....with my hands up in the air....and let my noisy footfalls slap as loud as  they could!

I have had a lot of ups and downs since I last wrote in my blog. I have to celebrate my little victories.

I flunked a crucial test in Arabic this week. But my Arabic has been increased 10 fold through having such an intense and constant Arabic experience. I have been the person in the class who has let my team down through being the lousy Arabic speller, over and over again....but I can't help it....I am so proud of myself I could bust.

I have had humiliating lows....getting that important test back with red marks all over it and a note from the teacher saying "We need to talk..."

Daily it has been sickening to be the person who reads the slowest in Arabic....in every language I have always loved reading aloud...I have attended many extra tutorials to work on my reading here in Arabic. But as fast as I am learning there is so much more smoothness I need to acquire to be fluent sounding....but I can't get there without stumbling through my Arabic reading level of today....so I ask myself to ease up and just read....I never raise my hand in this class....it goes against everything I have always known about myself to avoid the first round of hand raising, but each chance I get I linger and hold back....I feel like I am a different person here.

But I can't help but feel good....

I have received terrible accusatory notes that have nothing to do with reality from beloved buddies back home, while in class. It was so nasty a note it sent a shiver down my spine....but I still did not get all wrapped up in a multitude of calls begging for forgiveness for imagined ills. I let it go and trusted that something else can take my burdens so I can just be able to focus here on the important stuff of the moment.

I have grown a notch down here.

I have received very cruel notes while in class from a man I loved, who is suffering from an illness that might be causing the cruel...and I didn't buy into it.....I stayed aloof..I recognize something important is going on down here. I don't even want to talk to him again. I can now officially let it go...it is as if he does not exist anymore. I just can't devote any more time and energy to that mess while trying to accomplish what I am working on here.

I am now a professional. I am a grad student. I have been welcomed back to work for my favorite internship and I feel good about myself in spite of not doing a perfect job in class!!
I have acquired a life I enjoy here every moment and I know it can lead me to a life with even greater opportunities to be who I am trying to become.

I go to the beach daily. I study every single day before I get dressed and ready for the day I have usually done at least 3 hours of work on my grad school life. Before I go to bed I have usually done at least 5 hours after my 9-2:30 day of school. I am working myself to a frazzle but I feel so good it outweighs all the stuff that usually would make me feel bad.

The humiliating misspellings in Arabic...my ear cannot seem to hear the difference yet between this "d" sound and that one so I guess with my favorite "d" letter in Arabic. More than 1/2 the time I am wrong with something.

One day an exasperated teammate came up to the board, took my pen away and said, "You're no where near close."

He was not being mean....he was trying to rescue me, I felt....but it still stung like crazy!

Regardless, I really like my group...there is another class I could switch to which might be more in line with my levels....but I don't want to go.

I don't have to pass this final test like so many others. I am here to immerse myself in Arabic, which I am accomplishing. As long as the class is not complaining, I want to stay here....this group is where my immersion is already in progress and that is all that matters at this point.

I also have a line on a paying position here on campus in an office I already really like.....they have been really fun to talk to each time I have had the fortune of needing their expertise.

So I might be barely eating on some days....or riding my car's tank down to empty on a weekly basis....I have to say though....life is awesome....right now.

As I was writing in my blog here a sweet person came up and asked me if I was Terri. I replied I was and engaged in a lovely conversation with yet another very intelligent person....this place is chock full of intelligence!

I trotted out a few of my favorite sayings in Chinese which are not understood in China town, San Francisco, when I am lucky enough to eat out there. I also was able to converse politely with a few sayings here and there. Not much to be honest but enough to make the year of Chinese study worthwhile. I offered her help with any English papers she had going on this next term...it was amazing...to be here, to be studying to be with so many people who are interested in language!

I guess that was why I had to do a Victory Dance in a public place....to be even anywhere near the caliber of the people I am surrounded by....just feels good.....

I deserve a Victory Dance.

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