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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Orientation...orienting one's self....



It is a strange thing to look at one's life and see intense change. I think I have now experienced that exact same phenomenon in the last few months. My graduation from Oregon State University has hailed the comings  of a very new version of me.

I had many points yesterday when I realized how much more life has peaks in it where I can sense a large increase in the amount of joy I am experiencing. It is almost a palpable difference.

I can see it in my pictures that I take for my Social Media of choice. The Terri of June 1st has a sadness in her eyes.

At that point I was reduced to living with a boyfriend whose ability to acidly shift from a deep penetrating love to cold silence had me confused and sad. I adored him and I adored his kids...but every shred of joy was squeezed from the relationship by the fact that I had once again found myself with a personality that, from my perspective, was erratic. It felt like there was no continuity for me.

That was in sharp juxtaposition to my Ex husband. He was always the same personality….goofy humor….which after spending a month in Wales with relatives I now see as a very Welsh sense of humor….but never intense and sudden changes in personality. I had to admit that suddenly finding myself with a guy who looks the same but acts completely different from the man I was just talking to is a startling and unpleasant experience for me.

To me, I now know a key to my joy is to seek a more stable personality in romantic encounters. I like a guy who is the same guy no matter the weather. I saw a lot of men like that when I was in Wales. The guy who is the steady sea captain type who does not get overly excited at each small squall.

As I wrote that last sentence it occurred to me that I am the other who gets excited at being given a glass of wine or crushed because I am unclear about Financial Aid.

It is not that there was anything wrong with those erratic guys, just the fact that they weren't good fits after all.

In much the same manner that relationships have good fits and bad the same goes for lives and the lifestyle we find ourselves living in….some places allow my personality to really blossom. Some places almost squish the life out of us.

I feel strongly that everyone should  live joyfully no matter the situation, but when I compare this week of high stress and high joy....I see a much happier version of me. Don’t get me wrong it has been pretty intense but fun no matter how you slice it.

I had a moment on first real day of Grad School. We watched a presentation my favorite counselor had put together that included phrases sent in by half of the students.

The whole thing was clever and fun and interesting. I felt like I fit and related to the words being presented. I was in a room full of people from many countries and many situations...and I felt such belonging that it struck me as odd.

This was a room full of strangers yet it was a room full of passionate people. Everyone's hidden interest was to somehow save a part of the world. Thanks to my experiences since 2008 I am passionate about poverty alleviation. I see a world with Freedom from Want…and I want to help in the march towards creating that for everyone...thanks to my own struggle with poverty and foreclose I realized I am passionate about squarely dealing with poverty on a global scale. I also see it as a way to raise women worldwide out of oppression…and bring children into more healthy happy lives. It seems to me that this is already in the process of unfolding around us and it is not only possible it is probable…and I want to be a part of it.

To find myself with so many others seeking practical tools to obtain lofty goals, was kind of breathtaking.

I take as an example our young student body president. He spoke passionately about the college's commendable goal to cut our carbon footprint drastically this year.

We were all given a travel mug for hot and cold beverages and even given a permanent marker to put our names on it as well. Then we were told to use it instead of cups on campus...I was thrilled...the cafeteria provided the hot water for my daily tea for free here as well making this more convenient then buying a drink on the way.

A few hours later, still wearing his suit jacket, that same student body president picked meticulously through the trash at the cocktail party mixer the school gave at the end of the day. He was plucking recyclables…digging fervently through the food and wine that could stain that jacket he was wearing.  He was doggedly focused yet still politely chatted while continuing his task of changing our school’s relationship to trash.

I guess as I wrote this my only regret was not joining him…but I was also learning the value of a skill I have always had as well…it was important to socialize and interact with my classmates…learning about others I would be spending the next two years with at this school of choice….so I stayed in the conversations instead of joining him…it was my first day after all….but I know…next time I spot him doing that chore….I am joining him…because I care about the school’s relationship to trash now too. His passion about this issue has awakened a healthy dose of passion about it in me.

I was impressed! He really meant everything he said about reducing the school's global footprint!

When I ran across our young president at the local Farmers Market, I told him my appreciation for his commendable passion. He downplayed it casually acting like it was simply "follow through" on his part.

While at the farmer’s Market I was with a group of new students. My favorite is a guy from Pakistan whose calm, clever humor reminds me of my oldest son, but this was a wonderful diversified collection of newbies. I walked on with our little group trying on expensive yet high quality Peruvian sweaters. I felt like they would match the chillier climate I found myself living in now that I was on the coast instead of inland in the dry heat.

A tangle of poles housed many parrots and cockatiels rescued by a kindly handsome older gentleman. I talked to a lovely pink bird that cooed at me before beckoning me to let him on my finger. My new plumed bird friend clutched gently as he tucked his head on tight to my neck reminding me of puppies I had loved and raised before, years ago.

Apparently this flock of loving birds were in need of homes and my heart suddenly ached to mother this lovely feathered friend.

As the man who saved them all chatted up others I thought of this community I suddenly found myself in after a lifetime of wanting to go here...he was also like the rest of the student body I had met this week...passionate and loving....wanting no recognition for his efforts just simply the joy of watching his birds go to loving homes seemed enough for him. I knew he was not making enough from his little jar of tips to pay for a life. It probably all was used to help feed the birds. Yet it was also obvious that the birds were his passion…his mainstay.

All I can say is the picture of Terri chortling with a bird on her hand looks infinitely more happy then the sad faced me looking doe eyed  from her old life of a few months ago.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Talking To A Publisher....,

When waiting with intense frustration and overloaded with stress....I search for a task I can do that will make me happy. It is just what I do. I had a previous boyfriend refer to  this quality as "unfocused" but I think of it as my way of dealing with frustration.  I never thought that his way was wrong so it bothered that he felt so strongly that I needed to be more like him to be happy but that explains much about why we are not together.

So I woke early and instead of studying work I am hopelessly behind in... I found a publisher that is interested in my work and for the record I have always been into their work as well.

Hay House Publishing is very into positive thinking and focusing forward.

This is a perfect fit.

The deal is that I am not interested in print copies of my works that I have finished yet but want to get a fair deal for the work I started this week.

They are calling me in September to see where I  in my book about my life after my  dear Ex-husband came out in 2005.

That gives me a month to write the promised 150 pages more I need to express. I am interested in creating a positive template for others going through lots of changes.

Send me a good luck vibe......aside from having kids....this might be the most important thing I have done in a while...,..