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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Learning My Potential....

I am finally allowed to breathe a bit and found the time to write now.

I am about to enter into finals and finish off a rather wonderful first term in my grad school of choice!

This place simply rocks!

I really enjoy the full scope of my studies and the fact that I am finally studying a round of finely tuned subject matter that seems to be pulling all of my info together and actually put me knee deep in truly interesting material.

This has not been balanced by a fair amount of work and income to follow my new found status of becoming conversant in really indepth material. To the contrary, I have been making dribble.

That uber focus on studies as well as a crazy re-occurring illness drove me to the point of being hospitalized and hungry all at once.

I want to whine about having a tough time but that would be unfair.

I have been incredibly fact I was just going over a Spanish language interview I did with my sister in Spanish and I thought my little sister looked fresh faced and sweet as she laughed and giggled through our stab at serious intellectual discourse. The effect was a choppy shift between us goofing off and then soberly digging deep into her trials and tribulations of teaching students who have a high incidence of "suddenly disappearing" since many are deported as illegal immigrants. In a moment of insecurity I thought I looked chubby.

Over all I felt guilty and happy all at once....this was the longest conversation in Spanish my little sister and I had ever had and I loved every moment of it! It was also nice to see that my studies have been incredible at pushing my abilities far and fast into the realm of actually making sense out of our conversation and also of comprehending my daily reads in Spanish news stories. I might even try to start posting in Spanish on my blog with the school. We will see if I can pull off that ambition.

I have been forced to apply for medical insurance and test out "Obamacare" since an illness that forced me to quit work last year also brought my family gynecologist to tell me a year ago that I needed to have surgery.

I was turned down for insurance and consequently I am bombed in medical bills from last year's hosptitalization still. There was no way I was going to sign up for a surgery when I did not qualify for coverage. So I hobbled along with many nights clutching a hot pad.  I avoided the regular medicines he had tried to subscribe and insisted on a super strength Tylenol equivalent prescription since I try to avoid all medications. I passed the deadline that my doctor had told me I needed to follow for surgery last January and told my family that I was allowed to push it off...they didn't need to know that lack of insurance was the deciding factor anyway. There was nothing any of us could do until the system changed somehow.

Well excruciating pain and an amazing amount of blood changed my mind a few weeks ago...well, a month ago, I had noticed the signs were worsening again...they had been creeping back heavily since the summer but it wasn't until I wandered into the hospital after a scary night where I knew I was way past what every doctor had said was the point to admit myself to an Emergency Room.

I studied in the hospital and resigned myself to follow through on the last of my paperwork no matter how busy I was with school projects.

After a battery of tests I was told to get to a doctor here in a matter of less then a week.

That was two weeks ago. But there are differences this time around. All of my paperwork is being accepted with speed at the county here. As a bonus I also qualified as having a low enough income to get food stamps...something that has greatly added to my security level. I think I can schedule that appointment tomorrow and not risk putting my credit in even more danger.

I keep telling myself this could change though really fast since I also found out I can be a substitute teacher if I take the CBEST. That would be perfect to put myself through school with that income avenue since it would mean that I could control the days I work and be able to say no if I have an important project due for classes.

I also have had some hungry times here...we had been kind of sponging off of my roommates a bit, not much but a bit. I had skipped more then a few meals and my son did not complain once.

But truth be told being here in school is worth it. I have strong priorities...home time with my time with my family...which does include my kindly Ex...and school...I know it is not fashionable but I really think it is going to pay off to go to school here. I am learning so much every day...I can't believe how much I have changed since the year started!

I don't know which is better...the camaraderie or the study materials and the interesting way I am learning here.

One day I finally broke down...I thought I was going to have to give up with only a few weeks of school to go. I finally mumbled to class mates I was hungry and close to dropping out.

One of them took me out to tea the next morning. The other asked me to babysit his kids...and after a marvelous home cooked meal...he made me take home boxes of food. The fact that I was so hungry and sick made it really easy to just say thanks you and cry on the drive home.

The second school chum is the kind of guy who always has a calm smile on his face for everyone. He sort of personifies the "nice guy" image and after getting to spend a lovely evening with his wife and three girls, my son and I could see why he was always happy. They were just bubbling over with fun and humor. The girls were happy well adjusted, intelligent and boisterous. There mother was like their father, she could speak many languages and could negotiate any culture with ease.

It was just nice to hang out with them but the food made me feel a lot more secure when I got home. I just stood there and stared at the pantry which reflected his generosity. This was the first time since moving here that I had enough food.

I could feel my neck and stomach relax as I stupidly gawked at oatmeal, spaghetti, canned goods and Bisquick. It was a smorgasborg!

Today we gave a report in class. As I kiddingly imitated the professor, being a small and unimportant part of this presentation our group put together for a research project, I felt such belonging that it gave me shivers. I fit in with any group, usually. And if I don't fit in I am luckily clueless about my ineptitude.

I really am enjoying myself and I guess that explains why I would be willing to suffer through a bit more time not earning my full potential....I honestly think this is going to be worth it in the long run.

And besides, I am now only a year and a half away from my Masters degree! I just have to keep moving forward!


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