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Success, Failure...some of my greatest failures have been a springboard to my greatest successes...the terms are truly fluid.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Chaos and Scheduling...

     I am now in the depths of an Economics intensive. I came fully prepared. I read for a full weekend in spite of moving out of less then the best housing...I think I might have gotten it done thanks to having become invincible feeling by moving all of the stuff I had in my house all by myself!! Alone I shimmied a solid wood couch down a flight of stairs and into the back of my car....It took every ounce of my physicality but I somehow pulled it off when everyone I had who could help got pushed out by the landlord moving things up a day...I had been at fault since I made it clear that I would move out earlier in order to make it easier for him to rerent...my town has many people moving in and out of the area thanks to the many schools and military branches represented around town.


But I moved everything alone! Every muscle in my body was achey the next day...but let's be honest...it would have been the same if I had been picking up the same things and moving them alone when I was twenty five...I should be delighted that I am twice that age now...and I could even accomplish it....a little achiness felt more like a badge of honor!!




     When I was free for a few days I hightailed it to me Ex's house...I could relax and crash with him without having to think about it....the nice thing about counting your Ex as your best friend is that when you find yourself together, you are suddenly with someone who has known you for years and doesn't need any explanation...




     He got it when I just felt like sitting since he also felt like sitting around and watching TV too at the same time....when he was hungry I was hungry....when it was time to finish a chore or errand we both felt like stopping at the same time...it was sort of like finding that my Ex is my Doppler Twin...of course I don't know if he felt as comfortable as I did but it was very nice for me to just pull out my highlighters and have no need to explain that I was about to dive into my study mode and that I would only come up for air when I had finished thinking out a complete series of thoughts.




     So amongst the Chaos that is my life at this moment, I completed all of my studies and my chances to just relax and breathe in between school responsibilities...




     A serene moment came along when I dragged my dogs to the UC Berkeley campus and I just enjoyed the entire atmosphere..my Ex was back at work, so I was going it alone accept my pups...it felt so good to just park the car, walk for a bit and sit on a rock highlighting my book and studying for my Econ class that had not started yet. It was delightful!




      The craziest part was that I was only just settled...I had just systematically placed all 5 colors of highlighters and two very sharpened pencils at my side...I pulled out my now colorful Econ book, when the tower nearby started chiming....it didn't just indulge me a bit...it went wholly into luscious sound mode....chiming out archaic sounding piece after beautiful piece. I timed the never ending enchantment...it went on for 45 minutes!




     So if you are ever in need of revival...and you are in the Berkeley area...sneak into the south side of campus and find a lawn area near a statue of "Pappy" something....an old football coach of yesteryear...and sit between 2-3 in the afternoon on a Sunday just listening....it will astound you at its subtlety and length...




     When done with studying, I walked around....I talked to people....my dogs sniffed around profusely....little boys dared each other to jump over things as if they had been influenced by parkour like my son....




     I was struck with something that seemed to come from deep within me...




     It reminded me of when I visited my present school back in 2008....I had always wanted to go there so it was no surprise that I had to go by and visit the campus to help reawaken my dream from the past. And now I am presently going to my dream school. It only took 5 years to get here.




     It felt that way at Berkeley though...I had a deep inner sense of wanting to teach or go to UC Berkeley in my future...I don't know why it would be a goal of mine now....it never really has been a goal before...but I had an odd sense of belonging...and I don't think it was all because I have been here many times before...as a child my own father worked near here in a very technical position. My mom walked us girls all over the place around here growing up.




     Yet it seemed somehow like the birth of something deeper...a desire is being created I think.


Now I am old enough to know we never get all of our desires....they morph and twist into something more fun than we originally could have foreseen...and oftentimes my desires have started out pulling me in one direction and then dragged me into another based on the  pull of the original dream. That is when it does not even appear to be the same dream to the layperson's eyes...but I always seem to recognize how one pulls me into many directions as it unfolds from its original perspective.




     Anyway, I know that I am going to wind up doing something that will have been born from that feeling of studying in the quiet, scholastic serenity that I experienced there on campus that day.


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